catherinemcounseling

Living Life as a Flashback: Fawning as a Defense Mechanism and How to Heal It

Fri, 16 Feb 2024 01:16:14 GMT

Understanding Self-Abandonment as a Trauma Response:

First, let’s help you understand a bit more how this developed and why it keeps happening.

Fawning, a trauma response commonly associated with people-pleasing behaviors, involves putting others’ needs above one’s own to gain acceptance and avoid conflict. See why I hate the term people-pleasing? It’s a misnomer. It’s conflict avoidance. The ONLY reason you care if this person is pleased isn’t out of some sense of humanistic goodwill, it’s more in the vein of “I’ll do what you want just don’t make me a target/hurt me.” It emerges from a deep-seated fear of others’ responses and a desire to protect oneself from harm or rejection.

Again, before we go too deep into “this behavior is gross, stop it. Why do you do this? Just love yourself,” I need you to know that this is a healthy and natural human response gone awry. Humans are tribal creatures. We are not intended to live alone and fend for ourselves. It’s part of why we get depressed when isolated. We have this response so that we can cry out for help and save our own lives. We can’t see in the dark, we have forward facing predator eyes, we don’t have claws- we’re pretty screwed on our own. We are quite dependent as infants. My point here is that electricity in your body? It’s a callback to that response. It’s a stuck response that you are supposed to have as an infant. As an abandoned baby human that physical pain- yes, I said physical pain- that lights up your body with panic and TERROR is intended to motivate you to scream so an older human will find you.

Think about that: the feeling you get when you’re prompted to fawn, to avoid conflict, is intended to make you scream or cry out . Y’all- IT HURTS. It isn’t in your head. The feeling you’re feeling is terror and it hurts. Your conflict avoidance is a literal avoidance of pain. So have some compassion for yourself in all of this. You’re working correctly! The alarm is just mistitrated and needs to be adjusted. You’re not some super-nice, pathological, weirdo that wants everyone to be happy at your expense. I promise.

The Impact of Self-Abandonment:

While fawning may provide a temporary sense of safety, it often leads to a profound inner void, a feeling of being unloved, and a disconnect from one’s true needs and desires. It disconnects you, or really reinforces disconnection, from yourself. The act of fawning protects you in the moment but it fails to fill this void, no matter how much external validation or love one receives.

Even more, it makes you prone to rejection sensitivity because this rejection from others reinforces the validation of your rejection of yourself . It reinforces your feelings in that part of you that’s angry and hurt and isolated and told that you don’t matter enough to be allowed to show up in your boundaries, preferences, and the way that YOU want to show up in the world.

Often, it makes you into someone you don’t want to be. Here’s a harsh truth so prepare yourself. It’s one everyone who engages in this has to face. This is contextual so I want to warn you of that- this isn’t across the board, but in the context of this behavior- this is a manipulative behavior. Ultimately, you are being inauthentic and you are manipulating others into leaving you alone. Yes, even if it means you’re doing something “nice” for them in that moment. It’s not real. It’s generally not completely what you want to be doing and you’re building and maintaining relationships based on a false self. Yuck. However, I’m going to reinforce that whole self-compassion piece which is critical in healing this. You’re engaging in a survival instinct. It isn’t your fault. Your nervous system is wounded. You just need to heal so that you know when this response is needed and when it isn’t.

Hint: This isn’t needed in healthy spaces. Barring any MAJOR issues like war, abduction, or another seriously traumatic incident- as an adult it’s not needed!

How did this happen? How did I become this person?

I’m going to make this super easy to understand. Ready? You’re having a flashback . One sentence. There it is. People-pleasing, fawning, conflict avoidance, whatever you call it: It’s what’s called a somatic flashback. Initially it was an evolutionary response working correctly in a time that you were abandoned in some way: emotionally or physically. However, in one or more moments you felt this feeling and it created a chain of triggers- it created multiple instances that imprinted on your nervous system. So, now when you feel this feeling? You behave as if you’re back in that moment. You are reliving every moment that made you feel this physical feeling and the overwhelm of that is prompting you to act as if you are back in that moment!

From what I see in my office and working with complex trauma, this is a callback to childhood. Really it’s a callback to multiple moments. No, I’m not going to blame your parents. Maybe it was them, I don’t know, but in general I find that it’s a collection of things that happened to you. In complex trauma we discuss generational trauma a lot. Wounded people raise wounded people and there’s no malice intended. There is still accountability and responsibility to be had, but I’m not one to villainize the parents. It isn’t useful and most people aren’t really interested in this longer term as they heal anyways. I prefer productive interactions. That being said, what I’m intending to say is this probably came from multiple interactions, that may or may not have involved moments with parents, siblings, friends, not friends, abusive relationship patterns, strangers… it all adds up. And- honorable mention for ADHD and late diagnosed ADHD here: the continual rejection socially that we encounter plays a huge role in this as well.

As a child we are stuck. We can’t set boundaries or determine to leave a relationship or interaction the way an adult can. There’s a power differential. So, we engage in our defenses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In longer term situations, fight and freeze don’t generally work long term. So we learn to dissociate and to fawn. We learn to go along to get along. We lose our voice and we absorb that some part of ourselves is unacceptable, too much, crazymaking, or the cause for why we’re abused- and we learn to hide it. Over time, this becomes deeply ingrained in us. It becomes habit, a deep groove in our brain map of responses, and automatic. We learn that we are helpless to get away and we condition ourselves on how to keep safe as we stay. We continue this behavior as adults which only perpetuates the problem. We collect more trauma because unhealthy people bounce off of boundaries, which we don’t have. We shrink and we disappear. Until something happens, one day we’ve had enough, we notice, and we try to figure out what to do about it.

To finish the article please visit my official blog on the link

https://medium.com/p/22d1b5dafc94

Embracing Authenticity: Rethinking the “New Year New Me” Mantra

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 14:18:16 GMT

Ah, the annual dance with the ‘New Year New Me’ mantra, where my goals are as likely to happen as my ability to keep plants alive — spoiler alert: not high chances of success. As the calendar turns to a new year, the air fills with aspirations, resolutions, and the familiar chorus of “New Year, New Me.” It’s a mantra that has become almost ingrained in our collective consciousness, suggesting that with the changing year, we have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves entirely. However, beneath this optimistic surface lies a narrative that can be damaging and misleading.

The concept of a “New Year New Me” often implies a need for radical transformation or a complete overhaul of oneself. It suggests that our current selves are inadequate and that a better version can be achieved by shedding our current identity like an old skin. But what if this narrative is not only unrealistic but also detrimental to our mental health and well-being?

In a society that often glorifies an idealized version of success and happiness, the pressure to conform to societal norms can be suffocating. This pressure is exacerbated for individuals dealing with conditions like ADHD or those who have experienced trauma. For them, the journey of self-acceptance and personal development can be particularly challenging.

People with ADHD often face difficulties in conforming to societal standards of productivity and focus. Many of them are functioning (or trying to function) as someone else, in a world not built for them. It’s a constant uphill battle of “you’re doing it wrong.” The constant expectation to fit into a structured mold can lead to chronic self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. The “New Year New Me” paradigm may amplify these feelings by setting unrealistic goals or standards, further perpetuating a cycle of frustration and self-rejection.

Moreover, individuals who have experienced trauma often grapple with the aftermath of trying to navigate a world that may have rejected, harmed, or marginalized them. The idea of reinventing oneself can sometimes stem from a desire to escape from painful memories or societal stigmatization. It may even perpetuate the idea of escape from who they are- that person who experienced the bad things and doesn’t want to remember. Who wouldn’t want to be a totally different person if that were the case? The pressure to assimilate into a mold that is more acceptable to others can lead to a loss of one’s authentic self, as they strive to avoid being a target of rejection or harm.

To finish the article please visit my official blog on the link

https://medium.com/@Catherinemcounseling

The Ultimate Neurodivergent Gift Guide: If you Can’t Find it Here I Can’t Help You!

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 14:16:30 GMT

Holiday gift shopping just got a neuro-tastic upgrade! Say goodbye to generic presents and hello to gifts that’ll make your neurodivergent buddies high-five the reindeer! It’s time for the neurodivergents to do last minute panic shopping, and time for YOU to wonder what the heck you’re going to give us as a gift! While we are not our diagnoses there’s no denying they certainly factor into our wants and needs. Lucky for you that means that there are some common much needed and wanted gifts. This means I can help you knock it out of the park this Holiday season with your favorite Neurodivergent person. You can show you care in the attention to detail and thoughtfulness for our sensory needs in a way that will really communicate that we’re safe with you. That’s the biggest gift of all for people like us. So, to help you really get brownie points, here are some great ideas with links. With gifts like this remember you always want to include a gift receipt just in case it’s not to their liking- and if they trade it in don’t take it personally! Our sensory needs are specific. If you want to add to it for me go ahead and leave a comment!

Sensory and Comfort Gifts:

gift receipt but a weighted blanket is a great choice. The weight generally stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (your anti-fight or flight) and calms the body. They can be very helpful during times of high stress or to help with sleep. Amazon, Target, and Wal-Mart all carry them, or if you’re positive your ND will want one you can get a custom one from https://sensacalm.com

Weighted Sweatshirt: Similar to the blanket they now make weighted sweatshirts! www.therabrand.co , www.comfrt.com

Sleeppod: Similar calming benefits to the weighted blanket for those who may prefer pressure, the sleeppod hugs you at night to calm your body and help you sleep. They also have a wrap version for during the day. www.hugsleep.com

Heated blanket: We are sensory beings- some of us like to sleep cold but lots of us like it warm. A heated blanket is a nice touch and they come in varying sizes. Do us all a favor and for safety reasons get one with a time shutoff. We all know we’re forgetful!

Warmie: Microwavable plush toys that offer warmth and comfort. I LOVE these things for so many reasons. They’re great for helping you sleep or just for calming during a hard moment. Bonus- they make microwaveable slippers. www.warmies.com

Moon Pal: These are weighted stuffies that feel like a weighted hug. www.moonpals.com , They’re a little pricey at 150.00 so Target also has a line of weighted anxiety relief stuffies that may be a more budget friendly option.

Plushie Dreadfuls: These are a line of mental health themed stuffies. There is an ADHD bat and Bunny, Autism Bunny, PTSD and more. www.plushiedreadfuls.com

Purrble: “The Purrble companion is a cuddly, interactive tool that helps you find calm in moments of stress, overwhelm, and other big emotions. Your companion’s heart races to show emotion. Hold and pet your companion to slow their heartbeat into a gentle purr. You’ll be surprised to find you’ve calmed yourself in the process.” Purrble is a companion that teaches you to self soothe. www.purrble.com

Wobble seats: These come in several forms like the OG Wobble seat — https://a.co/d/aIP7TMl , exercise ball seat- https://a.co/d/aIP7TMl , or for a more discreet movement use a balance disc- https://a.co/d/8ap5nWH .

Peapod: This is similar to the huggy sensory swing but remains stationary. https://a.co/d/7GDvjEL

N ightlights: We always need light on the way to the bathroom or when we wake up! Gummy Bear is pretty cool- https://a.co/d/5Vrmww7 , Duck is adorable- https://a.co/d/fptzCN4 , or you can always go for motion detection with several options on Amazon.

U nder desk cycle: One of several options for movement of your feet when needing to be stationary. https://a.co/d/1iGmteb

Foot swing : Another option for gentle swinging of the feet when needing to subtly move. https://a.co/d/bnvNrbS

wiggle feet: This one is particulary good for those who tend to rock their feet when seated. https://a.co/d/2asTJ0x

Standing treadmill: These are awesome for getting in exercise or moving when working! Paif with a standing desk or just while you watch tv or talk! In the winter months we STILL need exercise- it helps us with our Neurotransmitters and helps with sleep. There are multiple kinds available, they even make some that fold up for storage! For those, try searching “walking pad.”

Balance Board: ADHD brains have been shown to have a smaller Cerebellum, which has a lot to do with understanding where the body is in space, as well as balance and coordination. Working on a balance board has been shown to help grow new neural connections and help decrease these symptoms. Bonus: you can do it watching TV or talking to friends and some are even gameified! It’s a great form of exercise and a great way to get that Dopamine. Here’s a basic wobble board: https://a.co/d/2p4DVfj ,Here’s a more complex one you can have a little more fun with: https://a.co/d/4wpSzaD , And here’s a couple of gamified examples: https://a.co/d/8pJvMTR , https://www.trystealth.com .

Sensory Glasses: For those who are light sensitive, there are glasses of different colors that balance out things like those impossibly white lightbulbs, or flourescents. You’ll have to experiment to see what works best for you but I find that these really help with strain and headaches due to light sensitivity. https://a.co/d/fbWDIVh

On the glasses note, if they wear prescription glasses you might look at a gift certificate for Pair eyewear. They make magnetic frames so we can constantly change our minds as we do! www.paireyewear.com

Loop Earbuds: I don’t know what kind of Voodoo this is but it magically turns down the volume on the world. Some people have complained that they can hear themselves breathing or head sounds- if that’s the case you need smaller earbuds. www.loopearplugs,com

Noise Cancelling Headphones: I don’t happen to prefer the over the head headphones but some people do. If your person isn’t into these, there are earbuds with pretty good noise cancelling. If you’re feeling generous you can go for Bose but even the basic brands have gotten pretty good.

Ultra Tough Phone Case: If I could show you my phone the entire back is shattered under the case. It looks like a Mosaic! Because we’re clumsy and not really aware of where our bodies are in space, we’re known to drop things. Pelican and Otterbox are two brands I really like (when I have them on my tech!) In my Otterbox I’ve dropped my phone off a balcony and it’s been fine.

Popsocket or Phone Ring: This is a relatively easy fix it seems but I got a phone ring and suddenly I’m not dropping my phone as much. I just thread my finger through it and it creates extra grip. Popsockets are pretty popular but for me I prefer having the actual ring. Either way, it’ll definitely help your clumsy ND friends! Bonus- it helps you take better pictures! www.popsockets.com , https://a.co/d/1LHvzPX

To finish the article please visit my official blog on the link

https://medium.com/@Catherinemcounseling

Meet Catherine

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 14:09:16 GMT

My mother’s favorite story of me (or one of them at least) is of when I was three. First, some context. I was speaking full sentences before I could walk and reading the newspaper at three. I have never been your average anything and so at three I was already communicating well. Apparently a little neighbor friend came over very upset. Like bawling, confused, not sure what to say upset. From what she tells me my mother just watched to see what was happening. This little friend tells me her parents are doing something called a “divorce.” In my small put together family I didn’t know what this was but from context knew it was painful. So, tiny, three year old, me sits down, pats the seat next to me, and according to the lore says “I don’t know what that is but I’ll sit with you and listen if you want. Or we can play with toys.” She says she knew then what I was going to do. I was born for this.

I’m a therapist of almost 20 years and I’ve worked in all kinds of spaces. I have experience with CPS, public health, the prison system, addiction, school based psychology, nonprofit healthcare, medical workers and first responders, the military, autism, ADHD, trauma, and probably more I’m forgetting. I’ve worked hard to make sure that I’m a seasoned, well rounded, and ethical clinician. I have specialize in severe trauma of all kinds but particularly in first responders and military. I’ve loved every minute of it. I still do and am so grateful that that’s where I started. BUT- about five years ago my life took a HARD right turn in the best way possible. As a therapist, I have my own therapist. I’m a really sensitive person and a verbal processor and I often just need somewhere to put it all. I went to this therapist simply as a maintenance act but she changed my life. I struggled with things I knew and thought were normal. What I didn’t know is that the level of impact this was having on me was anything but. I was often depressed and felt like an alien or an imposter despite the fact that I’d been quite successful. I was struggling socially and romantically. I couldn’t keep up with everything I had to do. I struggled to keep track of it all and no matter how much I tried to rest I was always exhausted. Time seemed to slip away from me and despite my best efforts I just really didn’t have much quality of life. I’m also one hell of a masker and one tough woman so I was masking all of this and managing it all but internally I was drowning, all while being a life preserver for others. It was too much.

She listened and very astutely told me she thought something was getting in my way: maybe I was struggling with ADHD. WHAT?! I was there to do the maintenance. I wasn’t even there for ADHD! Honestly, egg on my face, I wasn’t educated in it. News for you: most therapists aren’t educated in this. Most healthcare providers aren’t! The executive functions weren’t even mentioned in graduate school that I can recall. It was all theory and general concepts of pathology. I, like so many others, thought it was for the child specialists-especially those who worked with unruly little boys. BOY will I forever be embarrassed about that one! So, she surprised me with the idea that the reason that my relationships were struggling, why I could only take on half of the caseload of my colleagues, why I couldn’t keep up with administrative tasks, why I was perpetually exhausted and why I couldn’t shut off my brain was potentially ADHD. Naturally, I hyperfocused and learned everything I could. And now, we’re here!

To finish the article please visit my official blog on the link

https://medium.com/@Catherinemcounseling

Beyond Conformity: Exploring the Significance of the role of the Black Sheep

Tue, 23 Jan 2024 00:48:03 GMT

In society, the term “black sheep” often carries a negative connotation, referring to an individual who stands out or feels disconnected from the rest of their kin and acts out accordingly. The black sheep has been a symbol of rebelliousness and bad luck for centuries. The black sheep is thought to be an outcast, and it’s often used as a metaphor for someone who doesn’t fit in with the rest of society. When referring to the black sheep the speaker is often intending to demonstrate that this person has brought disfavor or shame upon themselves or their family.

However, what most people don’t know is that there are distinctive kinds of black sheep — those who stand out in a dysfunctional or unhealthy family unit, those who don’t conform in an otherwise healthy family dynamic, and those who are just different from the family unit at large. This is an important concept, especially in trauma work, because when someone feels like the outcast and is only familiar with the classic “black sheep” they can identify as such and mistakenly believe they’re engaging in unhealthy and even shameful habits! When dysfunctional is all you know, no matter how much better healthy is, it can feel like the wrong thing to do. The unfamiliar creates anxiety. Identifying or being identified in this way can really cause problems with identity and healing.

The “Unhealthy” One in a Healthy Family

The first type of black sheep exists within a supportive, functional family. Very often I see this form in the space of trauma, addiction, brain damage, deep psychological issues like mood disorders or schizophrenia, or some other form of psychological or emotional woundedness. Perhaps there’s an addiction that causes problematic behaviors like stealing, lying, or not showing up in some other way. Maybe trauma shows up and this person acts out, triggers into problematic behaviors, or otherwise behaves in ways that the family can’t understand for some reason. Overall the family might be relatively healthy but something happened to the “black sheep” and they’re not quite fitting in here.

They might feel like an outlier due to their contrasting personality, interests, or life choices. They might feel unwanted, unsupported, or blamed. This can be a hard one to navigate because with understanding and treatment things can change. However, how that journey goes is deeply personal and related to the variables at hand in each situation.

The Healthy One in an Unhealthy Family

Conversely, the other kind of black sheep emerges in dysfunctional family dynamics. Amidst toxicity, abuse, or dysfunction, this individual maintains a level of emotional health and resilience. They might distance themselves from negative behaviors, refuse to engage in harmful patterns, or seek personal growth, standing out as a beacon of sanity in an otherwise turbulent environment. These are my cycle breakers. They stand out by refusing the dysfunctional dynamics- very often by coming to therapy- and the dysfunctional dynamic is deeply resistant to this change. They’re identified as a problem maker and if they would just sit down and shut up things would be fine. (This is untrue by the way. Things are NOT fine.)

In such situations, this black sheep faces immense pressure to conform to unhealthy family norms or may become a target for criticism and blame. Their refusal to participate in destructive patterns might lead to isolation or accusations of betrayal from other family members. Consequently, this individual can experience deep emotional turmoil, seeking to navigate a path between maintaining their integrity and facing rejection from their family. Part of my work in therapy with them is to help support them through these changes and in understanding that not everyone can or should come with you, even if they’re family.

To finish the article please visit my official blog

https://medium.com/@Catherinemcounseling

ADHD and Trauma: Heading to CHADD 2023!

Fri, 17 Nov 2023 09:26:42 GMT

In just a week's time, I'll be attending the highly anticipated International CHADD conference, an event that holds immense significance for individuals navigating the complexities of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). For those unfamiliar, CHADD stands for Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It's an organization dedicated to providing support, resources, and education to individuals affected by ADHD, their families, and professionals working in the field. There are local chapters all over and it’s a great way to meet like minded people, build a support system, and educate yourself and others about the challenges we face as neurodivergent people. They have stuff for individuals as well as families, adults, parents, kids- they aim to span the spectrum. You can find out more here: https://chadd.org/

So before I start talking more about the conference let me just tell you how I got involved because it’s just so ADHD and frankly hilarious. I had never heard of this organization, nor this conference, but last year it was in Dallas. I don’t remember where exactly I saw an advertisement for it but I registered immediately and ended up attending the multiple day conference. I came home with a notebook and mind full of information and ideas and drastically more educated than I would be otherwise. Bonus: I got 23 CEU’s in a weekend! I also met some amazing people who have become a big part of my personal tribe and I’m still in touch with. What I did notice last year was that the trauma piece was lacking. I linked up with a few trauma therapists who also all noticed. We were troubled because ADHD and Trauma are practically inseparable. Also, ZERO people mentioned suicidal thoughts. We were missing something BIG.

Fast forward to this year… I asked last year when call for presentations would be and was told June. I found out, ironically through my fantastic ADHD coach, that they were in February. And I found out the DAY before proposals were due! So, in true neurodivergent fashion I decided to shoot my shot, messy as the process would be. I stayed up all night writing my proposal and researching, trying to really drive home why we need to address this. Of course, I didn’t think anything would come of it. I also wasn’t thinking about the fact that it was in Maryland and I live in Texas! I didn’t consider how I’d take time off, get there, pay for it, or anything else. I just wanted to get the message out. Not planning ahead- like we do! Oops. And they said yes! Not only did they say yes, they said “Here have not one, but TWO hours to speak to everyone!” When I got that email it was a combination of “HELL YES! And Oh.. Shit. Now what?” And- here we are. I’ve been prepping for weeks, editing, prioritizing, and internally screaming. And I couldn’t be more excited!

This conference isn't your typical gathering of clinicians and specialists exclusively; it's specifically designed for everyday people grappling with ADHD. It offers a unique opportunity to learn from peers and some of the most prominent minds in the field, creating a platform for sharing experiences, insights, and evidence-based knowledge. Preparations for this international event have been underway for weeks. I'll be contributing to the dialogue through a speech titled "Down the Rabbit Hole: Understanding the Intersection of Trauma and ADHD." This topic is pivotal as it addresses a crucial aspect often overlooked in the ADHD conversation: the profound impact of trauma on individuals with ADHD.

The relationship between trauma and ADHD is a critical area that demands attention. Many individuals with ADHD experience trauma at higher rates than the general population and understanding how this impacts treatment is essential to provide comprehensive support and guidance. ADHD isn't just about attention issues; it encompasses a spectrum of challenges, including emotional dysregulation, executive function difficulties, and heightened sensitivity to stressors. When coupled with trauma, these challenges can make each other so much worse, leading to complex and intricate problems that require creative and educated solutions.

One of the primary reasons why educating on trauma and ADHD is vital is because it's not solely confined to the realm of clinicians. It's for every individual impacted by these conditions—be it the person living with ADHD, their families, educators, or even employers. The insights gained from understanding this intersection can foster empathy, effective strategies, and a supportive environment that can significantly improve the quality of life for those affected. There isn’t a space of life that this doesn’t touch: It deeply impacts romantic relationships with things like shame, guilt, parent/child role, and resentment and misunderstandings. It impacts all relationships with conflict avoidance, masking, misunderstandings, being rejected, and creating attachment wounds. It impacts our ability to remain consistent in work, relationships, and life for ourselves overall. We are deeply misunderstood and get reputations for being lazy, uncaring or selfish, unreliable, and not worth investing in, which is incorrect and inherently damaging. We become people pleasers and class clowns in response and the world is robbed of the contributions we could be making. It must change.

My hope is that this conference serves as a catalyst—a jumping-off point—for generating more substantial content, discussions, and initiatives aimed at educating and supporting individuals navigating the maze of ADHD and trauma. By sharing knowledge, experiences, and innovative approaches, we aim to stem the tide of pain and confusion that often accompanies these conditions. We are also moving to start the hard conversations that nobody knows how to have.

To learn more about the International CHADD conference and its diverse array of sessions, speakers, and resources, you can visit their website here . Stay tuned for updates and insights as we delve into the heart of understanding ADHD and trauma, striving to create a more informed and compassionate community.

This conference isn't just an event—it's a gathering of minds, a convergence of experiences, and a platform for learning and advocating for a better understanding of ADHD and its multifaceted connections to trauma. Together, let's embark on this journey of discovery and empowerment and make real change!

Remember, the conversation doesn't end at the conference; it's a springboard for ongoing learning and collaborative efforts to make a positive difference in the lives of those impacted by ADHD and trauma.

See you at CHADD! And if you can’t come to this year’s conference, I encourage you to find your local chapter and get involved. We don’t have to do this alone and we can make things so much better for eachother with just a little work, neurodivergent or not!

Why PTSD is not just a mental problem OR The Physiology of PTSD

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 05:16:30 GMT

Hello everyone! Today I want to talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and why it isn’t “all in your head.” There is SO MUCH STIGMA when it comes to my favorite population- soldiers and first responders- regarding getting help for this issue. It’s seen as emotional weakness. Most people have no idea that it’s a PHYSICAL PROBLEM that also happens to be linked to emotions. Somehow, I think (and hope!) that spreading this information will help everyone realize that getting help for this is critical. There’s no stigma in setting a broken arm so there shouldn’t be here either. I’m going to walk you through how a memory is processed through the body and how this is involved in linking the body with the mental processes that happen in a traumatic situation and why someone can get “stuck” there.

It’s not all in your head, it’s actually all in your body!

This is the VERY short form of things and I’m sure I’ll write more on this later. For now, I’m wriging this out from the somatic (body) therapy perspective but it’s really abbreviated- and still complicated! I didn’t want to overload you and I’m sure I’ll expand on it in future blogs.

First, let’s talk about the symptoms of PTSD. Any time someone goes through a traumatic or troublesome event, they WILL have symptoms like this. It’s important to leave the diagnosing to the professionals. Post Traumatic Symptoms at the start are NORMAL responses from your body to a dangerous situation. We have a “fight or flight” system in our body for a reason, and, generally, your body does a beautiful job of handling things. Depending on where you are in the healing process, it may not be PTSD. PTSD happens at a certain time period, when the body gets “stuck.” It’s treatable and doesn’t have to be permanent. However, the longer you wait, the harder it is to get rid of the symptoms (but not impossible!)

So- your brain takes in all kinds of information on a daily basis. Think about what you did at noon last Friday. Do you remember? How much do you remember- where you were, the weather, who was wearing what, etc. Chances are you don't remember much. This is because your brain takes in billions+ pieces of information a day and it has to determine what is valuable and worth keeping, and what can be thrown out. You probably don't need five hundred memories of the process of unlocking your front door.

Any time that we process information we form explicit memories and implicit memories. Explicit memories are the factual information, general knowledge, and autobiographical information. Implicit memories are the emotional responses, body sensations- this is devoid of subjective internal experience or recalling self or time. These two types of memories travel in different pathways in the brain and have to be integrated later to form one unified memory.

So- when your brain takes in this information there are four key components to memory processing. (There are more, but we're gonna go with the biggies and streamline this a bit.) First, your brain goes through the Thalamus. This is initially the first "filter" of information. The Thalamus says "meh. that's probably worth keeping. This can be thrown away." That way your brain processes only what is valuable to it and doesn't waste time sending worthless information down the pipeline.

After that it goes into the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain has access to the storage area of the brain (Think of this as the secretary with the only key to the filing cabinet.) This part of the brain categorizes information and connects it to other like types of information. This is also the part of the brain that makes predictions for us ("That brown dog bit me, so I think maybe this grey dog might bite too. I better stay away.") It links our new information to stored information.

Third, the information hits the Amygdala. This part of the brain processes implicit information (sensory memories), tags information for emotional significance and determines whether or not an immediate emotional response is necessary.

*Deer are a good example of a highly active amygdala. They spook at everything! That's the Amygdala doing that.

Finally, it hits the Hippocampus. This area processes explicit info (factual information). It's VERY involved in moving explicit information through the several phases it needs to go through to be processed. (It's our main suspect when it comes to the breakdown of memory with trauma.)

Here comes the traumatic perspective: The Hippocampus is amazingly sensitive to Cortisol. Cortisol is a stress hormone. When you're really stressed out those levels rise. In a traumatic event they can rise so high that the Hippocampus goes offline and leaves the building. At this point, the implicit and explicit information don't get linked and you have all this information just floating about in bits and pieces. They aren't integrated. So, you have this implicit (very emotional) information all over the brain that doesn't know where to go (the traffic lights crashed!) and sticks around until it's processed. Often, it shows up in the form of visual, emotional, or other stimuli. Flashbacks, sometimes hallucinations (example: certain smells connected to a memory), tension in the body, etc. These are all parts of a memory that haven't been processed. Traumatized individuals can tell you all about that.

Here's the good news: First, our brains are built to heal. We have natural mechanisms that help us process this stuff. Most of the time we do this without even knowing it. "Venting" to others is a form of this processing. Over time, as you vent enough, the memory gets processed and becomes neutral. Some people go to a "happy place" for emotional regulation. We have all these things that we do to regulate it.

Then, here's more good news: We now have therapeutic tools to help integrate these memories. The whole reason the brain is looping is it is trying to put it away and going “I’m missing something. Where does this go?!” Sometimes, you don't even have to do the traditional talk therapy to fix it. If you’re feeling “stuck” consider consulting a mental health professional to help walk you through this. Once the memory is integrated and processed the physical symptoms will decrease and life will be so much richer!

Addiction isn’t a disease. It’s a symptom: A Different Approach to Treating Addiction

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 05:11:33 GMT

Everyone knows that “drugs are bad, mmkay.” We’ve all heard it, “just say no,” “addiction is a disease,” and it has been glamourized for our entertainment in shows like “Intervention.” But what if it was more than that? What if I told you, that I can assist in treating addiction without EVER muttering a word about the drug? Before we go down the rabbit hole that is my thoughts, I want to make clear that in outpatient private practice I am no longer treating severe addictions. I worked with that when I did inpatient care but currently the levels of addiction I see are a bit different, definitely lower, and are safer to treat in an outpatient setting.

I work with mandated CPS cases and I see a lot of people who are forced to come to therapy. Some of them are ready to quit and some aren’t. Do you know what they all have in common? Pain. There is no addiction without pain. They come in expecting to be judged, to be told that drugs are bad and how they affect the body. They come in angry and looking for a fight. They want to tell me all of the reasons they aren’t an awful human being (I usually agree with them there!). They’re often taken aback at my approach. I’m a little different. I listen… and then I ask “what are you running from?”

After getting over the initial shock of it all, they usually have the answer. They know EXACTLY what they’re running from, what sent them to addiction, and that it’s out of control. Many of them will tell me that they don’t even like getting high anymore but it’s what they know. They don’t need me to tell them what the drug does. They’ve heard it all and often know more than I do about it. They could school me! Underneath the substance is family patterns, abuse, others taking advantage of them, - pick a version. The universal human experience means pain to them. Nobody around them knew how to deal with pain either. In fact, they were probably taught very early how to turn to other things to run from it instead of how to deal with, listen to, and manage emotions. And then, they get stuck in addiction- More pain. So then, there’s a crossroads… which pain? An addict isn’t ready until the pain and consequences of addiction are worse than facing whatever demon has driven them mad.

I feel like we often treat addiction all wrong. We lecture. We intellectualize. I’m telling you: they knew drugs were bad when they picked them up. They didn’t mean to get here, but forgetting feels so good. To not be a victim for a moment, to not relive a happening, to not hear the abusive tapes of “you’re not good enough, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re nothing but a piece of trash addict” is so nice. To have peace, until the next fix. These souls are mistakenly chasing peace.

So, how do we help them? By giving them their dignity back. By understanding that they are a human in pain. By not lecturing, but listening. They don’t need our lectures and judgement- they do that in spades themselves. By giving them the space to come in and saying “have a seat and stop running. Rest” we will reach them. The second part is practicing harm reduction (reducing use over time) and giving them tools to replace the addiction. I’ve said it before and ill say it again. I’ll shout it until I die. Addiction isn’t a disease, it isn’t a given fact that you’ll become, and it isn’t the problem- ADDICTION IS A SYMPTOM.

I am always honest. I say “this is going to hurt.” And you know what the response usually is? “Not any more than what I’ve been through.” And they’re right. They always tell me at the end how proud they are and that it wasn’t as awful as they thought it would be.

We’re doing it all wrong. There’s a place for lectures and accountability, but it needs to be balanced with humanity. If you really want to reach an addict, listen. Ask what they’re running from. They’ll tell you every time. It’s never about the drugs.

The Uniqueness of Trauma in First Responders

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 05:06:32 GMT

One of the populations that I love to work with is “first responders”- Fire, EMS, Police, Soldiers, Crisis Counselors…the people who are first on the scene when others are in trouble. It’s incredibly noble that these people seek to help others in times of crisis, but this is not without its price. First responders have high rates of anxiety and sleep disorders, divorce and relationship issues, and suicide. This is all correlated to the fact that they see the worst of the worst day in and day out. It’s difficult to keep one’s perspective when the job centers around seeking out people at their most vulneralble, and often when other people have done horrible things to them. Unfortunately, due to the stigma in mental health, they often do not seek help and suffer for a much longer period of time then they have to. How can we support them?

There are several aspects and protective factors built in to the first responder subcultures. As a friend, family member, or significant other, it’s important to be aware of and encouraging of these built in protective mechanisms.

First, it’s important to understand the “family” culture. These people are in the trenches together day in and day out. They have bonded through trauma. For those of us who have less traumatic jobs, it’s difficult to understand why you’d want to hang out with your coworkers when you see them all the time at work. For someone in this type of career, the only people who can truly understand are those who are there. It’s nice to not have to relive your day with a curious civilian or have to explain why today’s call was so difficult. Realize that these people love their families dearly and do want family time, but that this is also family time for them. If you can find a way to merge the two- even better.

It’s also really important to understand if they don’t want to reveal “what their worst call was.” Often, civilians who are curious accidentally ask inappropriate questions. Nobody wants to relive a day like that. Not wanting to talk about their day can also cause relationship and marital problems. It isn’t that they don’t want to let you into their life. It’s that they have already lived it once, and that was hard enough. They want to protect themselves and YOU from it. The best thing you can do for a first responder is be present and a safe space for them. They’ll talk when they’re ready. Respect that.

Probably the most misunderstood element of the culture is the coping mechanism of “gallows humor.” The black sense of humor that develops for those who are present when the worst of humanity happens. Surely you’ve heard a soldier, firefighter, or police officer crack a dark, inappropriate joke. It’s not uncommon for press releases to come out that some first responder was in earshot of a civilian who didn’t understand this mechanism and was suspended due to the indignation. Understand that this is a protective mechanism. These people understand better than anyone that these things aren’t funny, but if they aren’t allowed to make light and minimize the situation, then the gravity of it all will hit them and they will be no good to anyone. It’s truly not meant to make light of pain. It’s meant to keep it at bay.

Interestingly, though these responders help others daily through mental illness and the most difficult times of their lives, it can be hard to accept that they too may need help. The subculture creates a “superhuman” ethos in order to keep these things at bay. It can be difficult to admit that these difficult things have gotten to you when you are known, and expected, to “handle it all.” Not to mention, there is still a fear of getting a diagnosis that may affect one’s career. There have been stories of diagnoses of PTSD, anxiety, depression pulling people off of the line and landing them on desk duty, which is the worst thing a first responder can imagine. If we, as families and friends, can allow them to break down, to have weak moments, to not have to be superhuman, it will go a long way in fending off the inevitable weight of carrying the multiple daily traumas around with them. If, for some reason, we cannot support them then assisting them in realizing that there is no shame in self care is the best thing we can do for them.

We ask these people to be present in the worst times of our lives. And they gladly are. They deserve a safe space to take off the cape and heal as well. We have to do better.

The Power of Being Present

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 05:03:35 GMT

So, I talked to the ever amazing Sergio Berrerra (Piggy Phatness to those of you in Roller Derby Land) tonight about mental health for his blog. (That will be coming soon!) I felt inspired, so I’m writing more, because I can!

We talked about why mental health has a stigma. We talked about the disconnection that some humans feel. We talked about the importance of supporting one another through difficult times… and then I had a thought: about how sacred and how powerful my job is. This is not new, but it strikes me every now and again and I’m humbled. I get to listen. I get to hear the stories. I get to bear witness to the good, bad, ugly, and indifferent. I get to see the real. I get to be present.

I share this because I see so many blogs (I write them too) about “how to support a friend who is depressed,” “what it’s really like to have anxiety,” “helping a friend through a breakup,” “100 things to not say to a pregnant woman,” etc. It all boils down to this: we WANT to help one another. We want to say the right thing when a loved one is hurting. We want to fix it when our child experiences death for the first time. We want to stop the panic attack that the girl is having in class. We want the answers.

I’ll sum it all up for you: there’s only ONE right answer for all of this. BE PRESENT.

What does that mean? Well, it means truly connecting with the person who is hurting. Giving them permission, and space, to feel whatever it is that they feel. Be a witness without judgement or advice.

When we are in our daily lives, most of us are not present. We are having half conversations, only listening really to think of the next response. We are hunting Pokemon and not noticing what’s actually in the Botanical Gardens. We are waiting for a social media notification. Being present means being fully in the moment. It means being aware of all aspects of whatever is going on. It means existing in and of itself.

This all sounds very Zen, but what I’m getting at is that we just need to BE for one another. If a friend is hurting let them know that you’re waiting whenever they’re ready to reach out. And, if they can't, then you show up with Netflix and Ice Cream and you don’t talk and you fall asleep watching movies. It means being a “safe space” for another human being. Be devoid of judgement, be curious, and be a witness to their story. In the end, all anyone who is hurting wants is to be acknowledged by another human being and to know they aren’t alone. There’s a lot of value in bearing witness. Don’t underestimate it.

Natural Grounding Techniques for Managing Anxiety

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 04:50:35 GMT

Help I’m Stuck!

Anxiety is a common topic in any therapy practice. One of the things I hear over and over is that a client is having difficulty managing their anxiety “but I don’t want drugs.” Generally when they tell me this, I do several things. The first is defining “anxiety.” Often, feeling words mean different things to different people. Generally it’s any number of feelings related to uneasiness or difficulty handling worry. I get everything from panic attacks to driven thought. I also discuss with my clients that medication is ONE tool in a variety of tools in my toolbox. I tell them that we will try everything else first, and then, if need be we will discuss medications. There are a lot of things we can try first!

The main issue with anxiety for most people is not being present in their daily life. Panic attacks can be terrifying (and are good evidence that anxiety isn’t just in your head!) Constant worry can cause you to live in your head and not really be able to participate in your life. It can also cause memory problems. If you aren’t really paying attention to the things around you, how can you possibly be expected to imprint any of it in your memory banks? We like to talk about anxiety as if it is an isolated problem but it can manifest itself in so many ways and cause real problems in your life. So, how do we manage this?

I often discuss several ways to manage anxiety and remain present in daily life. It’s all about refocusing yourself, calming down your body, and developing tools to handle your emotions. There are SO many ways to holistically deal with your anxiety. I’ll share with you a sample of what I share with my clients.

The first thing you have to realize about any form of anxiety is that it is a mix of physical and emotional. Over time, your body recognizes these thoughts as a real threat, believes that it is in danger, and “fight or flight” reflexes kick in. The stress hormones release throughout the body and physiology takes over- blood gets pulled to the trunk of the body, urination and digestion go by the wayside (because you don’t need to digest when you’re being chased by a wooly mammoth!), logic goes out the window, and the only goal is survival. In extreme cases, over time, you can accidentally train your body to get anxious and anxiety becomes a very real PHYSICAL problem. The goal here is to turn those signals off or tone them down so that logic can come back online in the brain.

Meditation - this is one of my favorites. It can be intimidating and difficult for someone with anxiety to do, but with practice and guidance it is doable and really helpful. Meditation has been shown to have tangible physical effects and is incredibly effective in bringing your nervous system down “off of the ceiling.” One of my favorite apps, which I use myself, is the “breathe” meditation app on Ipad. It’s free guided meditation for all kinds of topics.

One thing to remember: BE CAREFUL when you first start this. If you feel like a panic attack is brewing as you relax you are not imagining this. There is such a thing that when someone has been in fight or flight for a very long time the body recognizes that as where it should be and when the body begins to relax it will stimulate itself to get back to that “normal.” If this happens to you you’re going to need some professional guidance.

Another warning: Not everyone meditates the same! If you have anxiety, trauma, ADHD, you’re not going to be able to do the quiet your thoughts, calm, ohm, sit still meditation at first. So, allow yourself to do it your way! Fidget, try a walking meditation, use bilateral music, whatever works for you.

Deciding not to engage the thought- This one is as simple, and as complicated, as it sounds. I place it next to meditation because it is directly related to being able to pull that off. The idea is that it is a CHOICE to engage and latch on to a thought. You can simply honor whatever intrusive thought came in to your mind and let it go, or you can take hold and spin. Example: you’re watching tv but only half watching. “I wonder if I finished that report? Did I email that? I can’t remember. My boss wanted it in her email box.” There’s no real way to solve this at home when the office is closed. You can continue to worry and panic, or you can simply let the thought go. “I’ll confirm that in the morning.”

If you want to practice this look for “trainspotting” “leaves passing” or “clouds passing” meditations.

4x4 breathing- To understand this one, you have to understand a little bit about the feedback mechanism in the body. When you become anxious and the most primitive part of your brain kicks in, it tells your body “I’m in danger!” Breathing gets shallower because you can’t run from a threat without oxygen in your muscles. This is where things like hyperventilation happen. I explain this because, often, I get the “you’re seriously telling me to breathe?!” look. When you FILL your lungs with oxygen, it tells your body that you are not in danger. You cannot physically achieve a deep, full breath if you are fighting or running. The way 4x4 breathing works is this: Take a deep breath in for four seconds, hold for four seconds (to decrease the fast pace of breathing and saturate the body with oxygen), and then breathe out for four seconds. Do this four times. Repeat as necessary. Another step I have some clients do is visualize black smoke/negativity leaving the body when you breathe out, and white smoke/positivity entering the body when you breathe in.

Before I get to the next few I want to explain the mechanism behind them. When you are anxious and begin to get to the point where you cannot focus, fight or flight kicks in. We commonly call this “lizard brain.” What we mean by that is that the part of your brain that you share with the lizards- who scatter when panicked, takes over. Logic takes a specific part of the brain to accomplish. (Frontal Lobes, neocortex) This part of the brain “flees” when anxiety gets overwhelming. The Amygdala takes over (Deer brains are ALL Amygdala. Think of it that way. The way they are highly skittish and panicky.) Logic goes offline. The goal of these admittedly very weird (and very annoying when it’s happening) techniques is to bring this part of your brain back online.

And yes, my clients often think I’m a lunatic when we’re processing and I suddenly ask them to name all of the state birds they can think of! It makes for a good time!

Logic Questions- Questions that require recall and specific reasoning will bring your brain back online. What is the state bird? How many yellow things can you count in the room? Can you recite the alphabet backwards? How many state capitals can you recite? What is every other word of The Pledge of Allegiance?

Sensory Five- This is basically another version or a subset of the logic questions category. The idea is to name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and one thing you taste (in any order of the senses you desire.) The idea is to bring yourself back to the present state of things.

Sensory “shock”- I use this one with my dissociative clients a lot. (dissociation is the mental “flight” and can be hard to describe. Any time that you have felt physically there but not mentally there- that is dissociation. It can be very minor or very severe) This is a very good technique for flashbacks and needing to “shock” someone into being present. There are multiple ways to do this. My highest recommended is WarHeads Candy. That stuff is SO SOUR! It’s awful! It shocks your brain back into the present very quickly. Peppermint is a less severe version of this. Placing an ice cube in your armpit also works. Your brain cannot stay absent in thought and process a sensory input of that magnitude at the same time. It’s physically impossible.

Worry Talkdown- This last one is generally not for panic or dissociation. This is a reasoning exercise, mostly for driven thought. I tell my clients they are “stuck on the hamster wheel” when they are engaging in cyclical reasoning- when they are going through the same thought pattern over and over with no resolution. Bear with me, as it’s a bit to explain. (I have a worksheet I use in my practice. It’s best to practice writing this out when you’re new at it and training your brain.) The idea is to state your worry. Then, state how confident percentage wise you are that this will happen. What is the worst case scenario? How confident, in percentage, are you that this will happen? What if it does- then what? How worried do you feel now, in percentage? Now, state evidence AGAINST the possibility of this happening. (What are you doing to prevent this? What steps have you already taken? How real is this really?) Now, what percentage worry do you feel? (It often goes down from here. ) Basically, you are rationally talking yourself down from your irrational blowing the thoughts out of proportion.

These are just a few of the ways that you can manage anxiety without medication. It takes some experimentation to sort out what works for you and what doesn’t. Don’t be discouraged on the first try! It took conditioning to teach your body to be anxious and it will take conditioning to teach your body that the threat isn’t real. Work with your therapist to get to the root of the problem and find a plan that works for you.

" “I hate you! Don’t leave me!” Connecting with and Supporting a Traumatized or Emotionally Injured Teen"

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 04:47:25 GMT

I work with traumatized Adults. I don’t work with teens in their own right but this topic still comes up a lot because it impacts the parents just as much as the child when things go awry. So, whether directly or indirectly the impact on a relationship when ONE person changes can be profound. With teenagers, the weight of change is on the adult. That being said, a traumatized adult can sometimes catch themselves acting and engaging as a teen with their teen- and that means disaster! So- how can we change the dynamics of it all?

Being a teenager is a really intense time in life. Often, as adults, we forget or distance ourselves from the intensity, confusion, and overwhelmed feelings of those years. When we have children of our own we can find ourselves at a loss for understanding our teens. It’s already difficult to communicate with them but when our teen is going through a difficult time it can be very frustrating to try and support them. Where is the line between parenting and intrusiveness? Why won’t they talk to me?! How can I support them without them feeling that I am condescending or being intrusive? As they gain their independence it can be very difficult for us to recognize them as their own person with their own way of dealing with things. So, how do we connect?

It seems odd, but I often think of teenagers as very large toddlers. They are similar in the sense that they are learning new things, growing independence, and learning to deal with big, difficult and very intense feelings. To a toddler, and to a teenager, everything is a crisis. They don’t know how to titrate their emotions. They have specific tasks to learn in this phase, which can make it that much more difficult for a parent. A toddler learns basic skills, the dreaded “no,” and is identifying their independence. Teenagers have larger, more confusing tasks ahead of them: having to learn adult themes without an adult brain. They are learning to be adults and don’t realize they need guidance. Like our toddlers, they are fiercely independent and very stubborn! It’s our job to guide without being restricting. If you can keep this foremost in your mind when trying to connect it can be very helpful. The goal here is to go in to guide them through these emotions NOT to control them.

A few tips for parents trying to connect to a teen (or adult for that matter) who is having a difficult time.

1) First and foremost- REMEMBER THAT YOU CANNOT EXPECT ADULT THINKING FROM THEM. Did I emphasize this enough? You must remember that, though their bodies appear adult, their brains are not. They are NOT CAPABLE of thinking through things the way adults are. This is a learning period for them and it is the time that they learn from us how to do this. Try not to expect too much. They are not little adults. This is even more true if they’ve got trauma or developed in an environment where they’re lacking skills. Have rational expectations and communicate accordingly.

2) Give them their space, but with an open line of communication. Even if communication is only going one way. I promise they hear you. Let them know that you’re really sorry that whatever hurtful thing happened and you would like to help them through it. Acknowledge their feelings- don’t be condescending. We as adults know that this great guy was not the last great love of her life, but she doesn’t. Don’t invalidate that. Acknowledge that you know that she’s sorting through a lot of big feelings and you’re there if you need her. Just be present. I cannot emphasize this enough. It is so valuable just to know that you are there, even if they don’t come to you. Be the faithful lab waiting at the outside of the cave. Simply be. This is so difficult for so many parents because we want to take action. That’s about you and your anxiety, not your teen and you need to handle that yourself. Don’t put that on them. Simply being there is an action. The majority of working with ANY human is the relationship. If you’ve built (or are building) a relationship where someone is seen and heard without judgement- they WILL come to you when it’s safe.

3) If they don’t want to talk, you MUST respect this . You cannot, and should not, force anyone to talk to you. Let them know that you are there. Again, be present. Be available to talk and remind them that you are but also allow them to not talk. They sometimes need space to process and sort through things. Respect that. If you have let them know that you are there, kept the lines of communication open, and created a safe space for them to express these emotions, they’ll come to you when they’re ready.

The other part of this really difficult piece is managing your own emotions about this. It IS okay to be frustrated that they won’t connect or allow for help. It’s even okay to communicate that. Just make sure that it isn’t communicated with guilt or shame. “After everything I’ve done for you you’d think you’d get that I’m here for you.” “I didn’t have a mother that cared, you’re lucky.” < Nobody is going to engage with this and it’s going to put them deeper into fear and sadness. “I know it’s hard to talk about things, especially when I don’t always understand. It hurts me to watch you hurt but I’ll allow you to work through it how you need to. Just know I’m here.”

4) Realize that talking isn’t the only way to communicate. Assist them in finding another way to process if they don’t want to talk. Art, journaling, and physical activity are all ways to cope. Body language and behavior are also ways that they are communicating with you. Listen with your eyes. What messages are you getting? Help them translate. “I see that you’re feeling a little guarded today. (Arms are crossed, line of sight is down) Is that right? (If not, they will often label the appropriate feeling.) How can I help?” Just the same, your behavior can communicate to them that you are safe and open to supporting them if they need it. So- keep that in mind when you’re isolating from them “because you don’t talk to me anyway.” Openness is key.

Again, I’m not saying that you have to allow for sullen behavior or pretend your’e not hurt. Honest communication is important. You don’t have to pretend, just be sure you communicate in a neutral or safe tone.

5) Don’t invalidate their feelings. That means you need to let them be in the moment. Let them feel what they feel without judgement. If you think your child is being too sensitive, please keep it to yourself. If you judge or shame them it will only teach them to not express their feelings. This leads to dysfunctional ways of coping and is a straight shot to mental health difficulties. Encourage them to be open about what they’re feeling no matter how “dramatic” it may be. This does NOT mean that you have to pretend it is that big, but you can echo that it feels that big. There is a difference.

6) Try not to “adult” them. Reminding them that you were a teen once and remember what this feels like is good. However, don’t give an anecdote with the message that it wasn’t that bad, or you’ll get over it. Even though we know this, and we want them to as well, this kind of thinking requires rational thought. Save that lesson for later. For now, just help them through the confusion. You can give life lessons later. They won’t hear you in an overemotional state anyway.

7) Don’t get your feelings hurt if they talk to their friends but not you. This is a really difficult time for them without something terrible happening. They need to feel understood and know that they’re not alone. Their peers can do this for them. (The one exception to this is if they have peers who are encouraging behaviors that are harmful to them. Then, obviously, you must do whatever it takes to keep them safe.)

8) *Make life as normal as possible for them.* Rather than telling them life goes on, show them. Don’t give them pitying looks, be overly clingy if that is not your usual personality, or hover. Just continue on with life. Many people, whatever age they are, just want to feel normal after something bad happens.

9) Assist them into a “survivor” mentality and away from a “victim” mentality. Choose your words carefully. Refer to them as a survivor. Being a victim is a mindset of helplessness and pity. Being a survivor gives the message that your teen is in control of how this plays out. Rather than emphasizing that their power was taken away, emphasize what they did right to get out of the situation. A survivor is a fighter who ultimately thrives. If this isn’t feasible, help them keep their eye in what it will be like when they get there. You’re broadcasting to them that this too shall pass, that you know they’re capable, and that it’s a temporary moment in time. Sometimes it’s hard to keep this perspective when you’re up in it.

10) Establish authority when necessary but do it gently. There are certain things that you cannot ignore- like self-harm or suicidal ideations. In that sense, you have to let your teen know that now you need to be the adult and help them through the process. You’d like their cooperation. Let them know that you care that they are hurting and that you want them safe. They are obviously in a lot of pain if they are acting out in this way. Acknowledge that. DO NOT shame them for these actions. They will shut down if you do. Let them know that even though “nobody understands me” you still want to support them, even if you don’t quite get it. Remind them that it is your job to make sure that they are safe and make it to a healthy adulthood.

If you can reserve judgement and remember that they are their own person it will go a long way in assisting your teen through whatever crisis may have befallen them. Try to respect who they are as an individual and don’t try to force healing. It’s a natural process that happens on its own. It will go much better for everyone involved if it’s just understood that they’re allowed the process.

The Weight of Expectation

catherinemcounseling@gmail.com (Catherine Mcconnell) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 15:19:51 GMT

We break our own hearts.

Seriously. We do it through expectation, through attachment to outcome, through anxiously trying to force things instead of flowing. I’m as guilty as the rest of you of doing these very things. It’s so incredibly human to want to direct things to protect ourselves.

Old me would have agreed with you that this absolutely makes sense. The me I’ve grown into (who is, btw, still working on it daily) would say “That is incredibly boring. WHY would you want to know how everything is going to go?!” Well, safety, sure, but if you know me at all you know I’m going to tell you that safety is overrated and that a predictable and safe life is no life at all. (NO, I am not saying that we should all go out and be impulsive lunatics, or that safety within realistic expectations isn’t necessary and good.)

Setting ourselves up for Failure and Heartache

We have expectations of situations all the time. Especially if we have trauma. It’s SMART- anticipating responses keeps you safe. However, it’s also a recipe for disaster when we can’t cope when things don’t follow the script. Not to mention all the time we spent writing all of the contingency plans. It’s a survival mechanism, but ultimately it handicaps us. We can’t always live up to our expectations for ourselves, others will naturally let us down (especially when unaware of our personal scripts), and sometimes shit just goes haywire.

So, if trying not to have expectations, how does this work? The idea of NOT doing something simply leaves a black hole for the brain to interpret. Many of you don’t know the other side.

Work Smart, Not Hard

It’s The New Year. That means it’s time for the hope of living our best lives, creating lofty goals, evaluating the past year and temporary solutions. Because, let’s face it- we fall off. The excitement and the hope that the idea of a fresh, new start brings is potent. Our want to make changes is admirable if not somewhat misguided. This isn’t to say that we aren’t capable, don’t misunderstand, but hope without a plan is just that and nothing more. There needs to be a tangible way to create that outcome or you’re just stumbling around until you find the bullseye.

This is coming off unintentionally negative. It isn’t meant to- more to be realistic. Those who work with me know that I’m honest, direct, and realistic. It’s important to be so I think because realistic thought keeps you from blind optimism. Whether you believe in prayer, conscious manifestation, or hope in itself- bringing things to life still requires effort on your part. I’ve seen lots of people wish and hope for things while not making any effort towards bringing that idea to fruition, then calling it a failure and moving into victim mentality. Even more so, it requires effective effort. “Work smart, not hard” right?

Why I HATE “Resolutions”

A resolution is literally “a firm decision to do or not do something.” I cannot see, in any way shape or form, how that can be good for anyone. It’s too black and white. People quote Star Wars around me all the time and it makes me cringe: “Do or Do Not, there is no try.” It’s the worst mentality in my opinion, because there’s no gray. It’s succeed/fail. I suppose on its own that may all be well and good, but what happens when a person fails? Well, many times they’ll become stubborn and overcome it. However, with a trauma background, or if the goal is too lofty, the inclincation is just to give up. So, then we have one more tally on the “Reasons why I suck” scoreboard. And all this because the year started and we wanted to improve something? Yuck. No thank you.

Failure is important and I feel that discounting it and creating fear around it is detrimental to a rich life of knowing who you are and what you want. There most certainly IS try and try is important. We learn from it. Not always hard lessons. We also learn preferences, personal characteristics, and different perspectives. It’s a critical part of life and we shouldn’t be trained to fear it.

Don’t be All or Nothing

So, I wasn’t going to talk about New Year’s Resolutions directly, but then I got into a pretty interesting conversation with a friend of mine that made me think I really need to. She asked me what I thought of her New Year’s Resolution (more on THAT word in a minute. Resolution- ugh) to not buy ANY new things that she didn’t need. My response kind of surprised me. I told her I hated it. Please understand, we’re close, and she knows better than to ask my opinion if she doesn’t want it. Though I always try to be gentle. She’s okay, I promise!

She asked why, naturally, and I told her that I felt it was too black and white, setting her up for failure- and therefore shame and guilt, and too restrictive. What if you WANT to buy something that you don’t need? What if it makes you feel good? Isn’t that a necessity on a bad day? What if you want to buy something for someone else? Technically it isn’t something YOU need. Where’s the line? Also, an entire year of restriction for some arbitrary limit that God-knows-who set for you? And your measure of accomplishment and self worth comes from this arbitrary all-or-nothing goal you set for yourself because the calendar set over? Again, no thanks.

Maybe Try for an Intention Instead

And so, she asked me, what would you recommend? I think, rather than trying for this black or white accomplishment, maybe try for a range. Instead of Do or do not, maybe count the try. Revel in the Gray. Instead of “I don’t want to buy anything I don’t need,” aim for “I want to reduce my frivolous purchases by 30 percent or more.”

Intention is different from resolution. Intention: “an aim or a plan.” It’s the intent, the meaning, behind what you’re trying to do, not simply the fact of accomplishment or non-accomplishment. It’s the try.

The reason this is a better way is because with a range, and with counting the try, you improve even slightly. ANY improvement is so much better than “failing” because you missed some lofty goal, and then giving up for the same reason.

Fear as a Motivator

And so, my sweet friend says to me, “But, how am I going to motivate myself if I don’t have shame and guilt about not meeting my goal?” Wait. I’m sorry, sweetie. WHAT? You shouldn’t need guilt and shame to motivate you. I promise you they don’t. Motivating others (or yourself) with fear is dysfunctional and is either 1) goading you into doing something you actually DON’T want to do or 2) keeping you in a space where you think that’s how you’re motivated because the goal doesn’t quite fit.

Also, can we not use the word motivated? Terrorized. Let’s use terrorized: “How am I going to terrorize myself if I don’t have shame and guilt?” Because that’s really what you’re doing. If your goal fits for you, you won’t need to.

Moving into Growth for Its Own Sake

Growth should happen for its own sake, not because you’re guilted or shamed into trying to be what others think (or what you think) you SHOULD be. We seek growth for a lot of reasons. Primarily because something isn’t working for us. So- what if that was “motivation” enough? “This isn’t working, how can I move towards doing it better?” Not perfection, improvement.

Criteria for a Good Intention

I suppose if I’m going to ask you to use an intention instead of a goal I should help you understand how to better do that, right?

First, ask yourself about the intention and the tone of what you’re saying . “I want to lose 15lbs.” Why? To be more attractive? To whom? To be “healthier?” What parameters are you using- because if you lose 15lbs of bone mass that’s a bad deal and isn’t healthier. This is also a particular goal that often matches appearance to value. You get my point, understand what you are saying with your intention. If you’re just going to use your New Year beginning to start with the same old habit of punishing yourself- don’t.

You want your goal to be a range. You’re seeking improvement, not perfection, remember? Give yourself a broader target. Try for a set amount of some sort- a quantity, a percentage, something measureable.

It’s not absolutely necessary, but I’d also seek something sustainable in nature. At its core, not buying anything you don’t absolutely need EVER again is restrictive, punitive, and a recipe for disaster. With a goal that black and white you can’t keep it up. It’s too rigid. If you’re going to make a change, make it sustainable so that you can build upon it.

And finally, I suppose if you want to offer yourself a “reward” for reaching that goal, go for it. But if you set the intention right, meeting it is reward in itself. Rather than making yourself earn those shoes you’re going to use to reward yourself once you lose those fifty pounds, buy the shoes as a radical act of self love and work on healthier eating habits as an intention to also show your body some love.

In this office, perspective is everything. Yes, we are kind of doing the same thing but in a much kinder way. We use self compassion, a growth mindset, and overall love of self instead of black and white, punitive, self hatred forms of forcing growth that some rando dictated we should do.

Make the changes you want. Period. And I promise, they’ll come much faster if you’re your own best cheerleader than they would if you let the shitty committee lead the way.

Personally, I think the bar is set pretty low for 2021 to be “better” than 2020 so we’re already on our way up!

Deck the Halls but Not your Family

catherinemcounseling@gmail.com (Catherine Mcconnell) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 15:19:51 GMT

It’s time for an obligatory holiday blog, right? Nah. I do what I want. But this seems important. Holidays are hard for everyone but especially those with trauma. I thought I’d share some not so ordinary tips for the holidays. If you know me, you know I’m not going to tell you to follow my mother’s advice of “Just be polite.” Love you Mom, but no.

Nobody triggers us like family. For many of my clients, their family is the source of their original triggers. This isn’t always the case but for a good many of you it is. The families are full of toxic behaviors, passive aggressive actions, addictions, arguments where relatives expect you to pick sides, and sometimes even violence that requires the police to come peel you off of each other. It doesn’t have to be this way. I want you to remember your personal and assertive rights this holiday. You do not have to participate in chaotic holidays out of obligation or guilt.

If you’ve worked with me in any form, then you know that I don’t believe in people pleasing. I’m a pretty nice person, sure, but anyone who knows me also will tell you that I’ll be the first to point at the elephant in the room and say “that needs handling.” Fawning is a trauma response. We don’t do that here. We function in honesty, assertiveness, and respect of one another’s boundaries.

Here are some tips to ensure that you have the holiday YOU want to have without the messiness that comes with dealing with dysfunctional relatives:

Manage your Expectations

Expectations are really how we get disappointed- and we do it to ourselves. Yep, I said it. We do it to ourselves. Rather than trying to fortune tell how something is going to go, try to go in and just let it evolve as it will. (You can always leave if you hate it.)

Lately I’ve been very into the idea of “flow”- letting things evolve as they do. However, I’ve not always been good at that and I know it’s difficult for all of you too. Flow requires that you be confident in the idea that you can handle whatever comes at you. That can be difficult for all of us. As humans we are fallible, insecure, and don’t like pain. That can create a situation where we feel like we can’t protect ourselves, can’t handle the pain we think may be coming, or can’t handle whatever situation may come about due to these imaginary unforeseen variables. When things don’t go your way, you can view it as a disaster or an adventure. Either way it’s a black hole of unknown- it’s just viewed with dread or excitement. Personally, I prefer adventure!

I’m mostly speaking here of the expectations of others: the way they’ll respond to a gift, how perfect the tree will be, how great/awful/chaotic family dinner may be… with an expectation you’ll go in interacting as if it is that way from the beginning. At its worst this can even create the very situation you’re expecting! Try to go in neutral and just see what happens.

Practice Being Present

Along those lines, it’s also really important to check your expectations of yourself. If you want to be everything to everyone you’re going to exhaust yourself and not even enjoy your holiday. Everyone’s determination of what they want from their holiday is different, but for me it’s about getting together with my family and gratitude for what we have with one another.

Maybe you want to do it up big with the big tree, menorah, or whatever else goes in your home, all of the cookies and goodies, all of the gifts, all of the company- you get the point. Is that a reasonable expectation of yourself? I guarantee, the people around you would much rather have you present and participating then stressed out about all of the details. Make sure that you don’t get so wrapped up in performing that you aren’t even there.

There’s No Such Thing as Obligation

You are NOT required to do anything you don’t want to do. Read it again. Write it down. Take a picture and make it your cell phone background. LIVE IT.

Obligation is stupid. It means that you owe someone something. No, you don’t. The only person you owe is yourself- you owe yourself love, safety, and meeting your needs. I’m not saying to be a selfish jerk, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. You have to come first, so that those around you can be well served with the reserves you ‘ve got left.

As is often mentioned here, I see codependency, toxic families, and the like in my office constantly. These patterns control a person via emotional coercion such as guilt, shame, or protest behaviors. (Protest behaviors cause you to avoid confrontation with a person: things like passive aggressive comments or actions, stonewalling or cutting you out, making you uncomfortable via tantrumming, crying, making a scene, etc.) These patterns force you into old patterns of codependency, people pleasing, and fawning. Those behaviors are a no- go to me because they cause you to ignore your internal compass- “I don’t want a hug but it’s expected.” “I don’t have the money to buy this gift but she made it clear it had to happen.” “This person makes me uncomfortable but I don’t want to be rude.” Anyone that doesn’t understand you opting out of something that isn’t good for you isn’t someone that needs to be in your life.

A healthy response to “I’m sorry, I can’t come.” would be something like “What a shame. Maybe we can do dinner,” Or “ Well, we’ll miss you!” An unhealthy response like “but you HAVE to come,” “Mom is expecting you,” or “Wow. You just really don’t care if you ruin Christmas do you?” communicates that another’s needs come before your own and is NOT a good thing.

Remember that other’s feelings about you are not your responsibility . Your job is to care for yourself and those who are dependent upon you. Everything else is secondary. Your physical and emotional safety are priority.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

A good fence makes a big difference in feeling safe and feeling unprotected and vulnerable. It’s all about boundaries, which can be hard for anyone but particularly for people with trauma or psychological struggles of some kind. Boundaries are frightening. It feels like they create distance but it’s actually the opposite. When you know what to expect and you feel safe with someone that actually creates an ability to be authentic and vulnerable, which creates the closeness we all want.

Practice authentic, direct, assertive communication. Say what you mean. By all means, finesse the tone as best you can but it’s so important to say what you mean as it comes. My clients often hear me say that boundaries are the foundation of anger management. Our BIG emotions get that way because they’re ignored. We have smaller ones like annoyance, frustration, sadness, that warn us early on but if we’re conflict avoidant and don’t set that boundary it can continue to get crossed. As that happens, we get more and more irritated until we have a huge reaction. Set it early and this won’t be an issue. In general people respect those boundaries and aren’t necessarily dangerous to you when you ask them to do so.

You Don’t Have to Attend Every Argument You’re Invited To

I’d say this is probably the holidays summed up in one idea. There are two main ideas that circle around every holiday/celebration/family gathering in my world: The first is expectations of magical holidays, the second is the idea of dealing with a toxic family and the seemingly inevitable emotional turmoil that comes with that.

What if I told you it wasn’t inevitable? I’ve already told you how in all of the above points! Consider where you want to spend your time and energy, manage what you expect to happen, don’t allow others to control you via protest behaviors or their inappropriate expectations of you , and practice authentic communication and good boundaries.

The very last piece of this is that you can’t argue if there’s nobody to argue with ! Opt out. You absolutely can. Let the communication fall flat, set a boundary, or exit the situation. If someone starts a conversation about something inappropriate like politics, religious factors outside of those expected for your respective holiday, or any other provocative topics you have those choices.

Once upon a time, we had taboo discussion topics that were understood to be so: politics, religion, people’s deeply personal topics like marriage, children, personal quirks or illnesses, etc. We don’t seem to have the same understood lines, but as individuals we can certainly train people where our lines are.

What does this look like? Let’s take one scenario to explain each form.

You have an Uncle who always seems to be raging about politics. Not everyone in the family agrees. For you, politics is a boundary. Not so much because you find politics distasteful, but more because not everyone agrees, it starts arguments, and it isn’t relevant or necessary to the holiday at hand.

So Uncle Politic comes in dressed in his holiday best but he made it a point to wear his purple “I believe in the lizard people” hat. You know your mother thinks he’s insane. You also know that two of your cousins agree with him and are passionate advocates of this viewpoint. You have three choices: you can ignore, you can set a boundary, you can remove yourself.

To ignore: You greet him politely. “Hey Uncle Politic! It’s been a long time! Come over here and let’s find you a seat by the tree.” Often, provocative people do so to obtain a response. No response, nothing to reward the behavior.

To set a boundary: “Hi Uncle Politic. It’s been a long time! Let me take your hat and put it in the coat room.” If he refuses to remove the hat- “I understand it’s important to you, but right now we want to spend time with each other outside of what’s happening in the world. It isn’t appropriate here so I need you to remove it.” If it escalated even further you have to make the choice of if you want to ask him to leave or not- if it’s not your house this may not be an option.

To remove yourself: First, I’d say you don’t need to remove yourself from the situation until the situation presents itself. The entire family may be so used to him that nobody engages. Let’s say the worst happens and at family dinner the topic comes up. Again, you can set the boundary “I don’t feel that this is appropriate dinnertime conversation and it’s not how I’d like to spend my holiday.” Protest behaviors WILL happen “Oh, come on! Why are you being so sensitive.” Just ignore that and move on. IF they still refuse to respect the boundary you can remove yourself. You don’t even have to make a big scene about it. You can be direct “I’ve asked that we not do this. I’m uncomfortable here so I’ll be heading home. It has been wonderful spending time with all of you.” You can’t have to say it angrily or upset, just matter of fact. You could also go the less direct “It’s getting late. I think it’s time for us to get home.” Removing yourself from the situation IS an option, regardless of what anyone says. Like I said, there’s no such thing as obligation. Anyone who deserves your time will do what they can to make sure that you’re not uncomfortable in that environment as long as your requests are within reason.

Practice Self Compassion

You’re human. You’re going to mess up somewhere. You might say something wrong, have a bad response to a gift, say something sarcastic to the wrong person, or mess up setting a boundary because you’re new at it. Go easy on yourself. We are always learning and growing and we deserve the space to mess up. Repair any damage where you can, learn, and do better next time. Above all else, give yourself the room and permission to act as you’d like- whether it be that you’re just too tired to go to that party, you don’t have the cash to give the giant gifts you’d like to, you fell asleep and the house isn’t as clean as it can be… it’s all okay! Nobody of quality is there to see the tree, the gifts, or the house. If you’re doing it right, you’re surrounded by people who love you and are there for you. None of the rest of it matters anyway. Maintain perspective.

As far as the holidays, you’ll notice this blog had a natural progression. We started with managing expectations- of the situation and of others. From there we built onto that with expectations of self so that you can remain present and make the memories you’re there to make in the first place. Then, consider where you’re willing to be present. You don’t HAVE to spend your time and energy anywhere you don’t want to. Once present, be authentic and real in your communication. This includes boundaries. Christmas (or whichever holiday) or not, you don’t get a free pass at crossing the line. Realizing from there that part of boundaries is not allowing people to bait you into arguments and control you via your emotions. And finally, realizing that it won’t all go perfectly, you’re a real life human, and it’s all okay. It’s messy and authentic and beautiful just as it is. You can do this.

Now go forth and celebrate!

Trauma and Relationships Part Two OR I love you Go Away

catherinemcounseling@gmail.com (Catherine Mcconnell) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 15:19:50 GMT

I am realizing it’s impossible for me to write a SHORT blog. I’m sorry!

There’s too much to say. It only looks long because I broke down the interactions. I almost made each attachment style a different blog but I had so many people asking me when this would be out I was afraid you’d all riot! So, get some tea, settle in, and take breaks if you need to I guess! I had to make a part III- I know.. I know…

So last week we learned a little about attachment, how it develops, and a bit about how it’s involved in who we are attracted to. Most people, even those who are aware of these patterns, aren’t totally sure what to do with that information or why it matters. It affects all relationships- I’ll be speaking mostly in the most intimate context of romantic partners but these things ring true in friendships, work, and family relationships as well.

Attachment and our trauma both play important roles in our relationships and how they play out if unresolved. There are two main ways this plays out: 1) Attachment (and modeling) impacts who we are attracted to and the particular “dance” that plays out and 2) Trauma can drastically effect how we interact, how we fight, and how we repair- or “rift and repair” as mentioned in the last blog. (I’ll expand on the trauma component in part III)

Yes Catherine, but why does it matter? – Well, once you are aware of what is going on you can actively work to change these patterns. You can also spot these in others, depersonalize them (not take them personally), and react appropriately rather than emotionally. When you understand what creates closeness and what creates distance you take your power back.

Trust me, THIS MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. It can absolutely save relationships and sanity. When you understand the undertones of what is happening it is much easier, or at least different to deal with.

You know me: it gets deep fast. Hold on! I’ll try to simplify but this particular rabbit hole is DEEP Y’all. Entire books are written on this. I can’t teach you everything here- this is meant to be a basic exposure to what is going on. This is how I work- these are the theories I work with and find to be true- as do many other clinicians. Entire forms of therapy are based on concepts like modeling, attachment, and undertones in communication. So, I will TRY to keep this simple for you but frankly, even if I don’t, I trust that you can handle it!

We’ve already been over the different types of attachment. Attachment is involved in our particular mix of how we accidentally or purposefully create closeness and distance. Each attachment style has its own particular wounds and responses that dictate what they “hear” and how they react. Have you ever tried to explain something, the recipient echoes it back to you and you’re thinking “What? No. That’s not what I said at all!” Our experiences dictate how we interact with the world (as always, more on that later!) Attachment is one part of this puzzle.

Let’s break this down and take a look:

*Please note that when I talk about unhelpful thought patterns everyone, regardless of attachment style, experiences their own combination. I have to generalize a bit for the sake of example and simplification. Your attachment models, traumas and experiences are all deeply personal and will create your personal cocktail of this stuff. This gets complicated fast.

Secure- I’ll start here because this is the “boring part.” These people are healthy! They have wounds like the rest of us- I promise- but they are aware of them, when they pop up, and how to handle them. They understand that they hold value in their relationship, how to participate in valuing their partner(s), and that arguments are common in negotiating the parameters of more than one life. *This is where my clients land once they’ve done the work.* (Side note: they love it.)

When Bonding:

This one is going to be deeply personal because secure people come from all kinds of places- IF they are PURE secure, they are comfortable in being vulnerable, comfortable in having appropriate boundaries (not too much too fast), are good in communicating what they need, want, and are willing to give, and are capable of creating and maintaining rich long term relationships. If they have GROWN to be secure, then their bonding will mirror a less emotionally volatile version of whatever that style is with the best parts of security mixed in. For example, someone who is anxious but has grown to be secure will have the urge to move too fast, but will have the skills to keep this to themselves and work to maintain appropriate boundaries.

When fighting:

With true security it rarely gets beyond a “Hey. That thing? It sucked. Don’t do the thing. I need this…” Why? They address things in the moment. Assertiveness, direct communication, and boundaries are all the things that create security- that’s why secure attachment behaviors are our goal. This prevents things from becoming a big deal and creating emotional turmoil. If things escalate for some reason then PURE secures will try to talk it through as calmly as possible and come up with appropriate solutions that both parties can accept. Those who have GROWN secure will feel old behaviors manifest but will be able to manage them before they become a problem. “Honey? I’m feeling a little anxious. I’ve mostly got it handled, but can you help me figure this out?”

What security looks like:

These relationship partners assert their needs in the moment. They are clear about what they need and want, when they’re hurt, and what they’re feeling. They have appropriate boundaries, appropriate and direct communication, and know that they are valued and safe in the relationship.

Common wounds:

Secure attachment is the goal, and it is reachable. For this reason, there are no real “common wounds” for this category because those who have worked for security have learned how to manage their old wounds, whether they are dismissive, anxious, or fearful.

Pro tip: from here on out pay attention to the wounds, internal dialogue, and what that particular attachment style needs. That’s the Kryptonite! If you give them what they need things de-escalate much more quickly and you’re able to move towards a healthier more secure relationship. Also, don’t be an asshole and use this to harm people. I shouldn’t have to say that but, you know, humans.

Anxious - As mentioned in the last blog, anxiously attached are insecure in the value they hold in the attachment and the solidity of the relationship. They are ALWAYS actively working to stay in good graces. Real or imagined, at some point in their life they got the message that people can and will reject you, possibly without an understood reason, so one must meet and anticipate needs and stay in good graces. Their ‘favorite’ unhelpful thought pattern is that unhappiness or rejection is personal. It’s something I did. (Remember that these are generalizations and are somewhat situational.) While there is a great deal of power in this thinking, it’s also dysfunctional because it means I can fix it! They can get upset easily, take things personally that may not be personal, are often stuck in proving their worth, and are prone to making themselves responsible for other’s emotions. This manifests mostly in their “chasing.”

When Bonding :

Often they are grateful for the attention. Fiercely loyal, sometimes to their own detriment. You’ll hear things like “too much too fast” here from people who were driven off. Sometimes will get upset/nervous if they aren’t texted right back, if it has been “too long” since an interaction, or if they feel slighted - “I’m too tired to hang out.” “I’ve got to stay late at work.” These are the friends that drive you nuts analyzing text messages. They’re often described as needy, emotional, or suffocating at their worst. They are attentive and anticipate needs, kind, and recipients feel “lucky” when they’re at their best.

When fighting:

When they feel like there is a rift they will panic- behavior will show as such through screaming/crying (out of fear, not anger), saying things like “please don’t leave” (with a minor slight), and working hard to force repair quickly. They cannot and will not calm down until repair has happened. Often, just to facilitate repair they will swallow feelings, apologize when it isn’t warranted or necessary, and take blame even when it doesn’t rest on them. This is troublesome because it leads to other problems like resentment and emotional blowups (which create distance.)

When secure:

When they’re secure the emotional theatre stops or at least slows down. With some skills they’ll be able to hear their internal messages and change their patterns. They may still feel anxious, but they’ll be able to soothe or voice that they need help soothing. They realize that arguments don’t mean abandonment or rejection.

Common wounds:

Anxiously attached got the message somewhere that people are replaceable. Perhaps even that they personally are replaceable. They may get the message that they’re “too much” or “dramatic.” They fear abandonment and often fear being alone. They fear going unnoticed or being rejected- self esteem difficulties, difficulty asserting or standing up for their needs, possible parental wounds, abandonment wounds, people pleasing

The message they really need to hear is that they are valuable and that being upset with them doesn’t mean that they are now rejected. “I’m angry but I still love you and we will work this out.”

Dismissive - Remember that dismissives have themselves convinced that they’re fine with or without you. That doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s a defense mechanism. Recall that they bond superficially (until they’re more secure) because being vulnerable is dangerous. Somewhere in their life they were either abandoned, betrayed, or most likely neglected. The neglect is an important key- if you’re just ignored (rather than actively abused) you learn that this is how things go. Nobody cares about how you feel, nor should you engage in how they feel. It’s extra information that doesn’t matter and when you engage it never goes well, so why bother? The other side- if there was active abuse, they learned to “go dead” and not to allow that person to matter so it doesn’t hurt. They learned that vulnerability is dangerous. Vulnerability is key to closeness so this handicaps them.

When Bonding :

They’ll engage, but not deeply. You’re not going to get deep emotional thoughts and poetry here. It’ll be the whole “he’s just not that into you” pattern. “You’re nice to have around, and I really do like you, but if you go your own way I’ll still be okay.” If they like you, they’ll respond when you reach out but they aren’t very likely to reach out on their own. They don’t like to invite others into their world, much less allow them to take on an important role. Often, you’ll see friends with benefits, one night stands, or relationships where one person thinks they’re a couple and the dismissive denying or minimizing that fact.

When fighting:

When they feel like there is a rift they ignore it. They don’t understand why the other partner is upset and they don’t engage in empathy because they don’t know how. “The fact that she’s upset is her problem.” You MAY see passive aggressive behavior because they don’t acknowledge their own feelings either so- rather than saying they’re hurting, they’ll do crappy distancing things. They may also just pretend nothing happened. “Yeah, that happened, but it’s in the past.” I’d like to be clear- they aren’t jerks, they’re SCARED. It doesn’t excuse the behavior but it will help with context. They don’t repair because 1) they have to acknowledge the rift to do so and 2) this is important- THEY DON’T KNOW HOW. Their models were neglectful- they do not understand that hurts need to be acknowledged and that hurts need to be soothed. They don’t soothe because they don’t acknowledge- their own feelings or others.

When secure:

When they’re secure they can potentially make decent partners. The only way they move this direction though is if someone teaches them: they have to learn to be vulnerable and bond, to acknowledge wrongs, how to sympathize/empathize, and how to repair. These are the people you have to really point out that they hurt you and make clear how you expect it to be repaired.

Common wounds:

Dismissively attached got the message somewhere that people are dangerous and will take advantage of vulnerabilities or that nobody really cares. They may get the message that they’re too hard to love. (Fighting to maintain a connection with someone who doesn’t know how is HARD.) They do secretly fear abandonment and often fear being alone-mbut this manifests in strings of short term, shallow relationships instead of long term deep ones like the anxiously attached. They fear losing themselves and their independence and being rejected- self esteem difficulties, difficulty attaching enough to practice asserting or standing up for their needs, possible parental wounds, abandonment wounds, loneliness.

The message they really need to hear is that they are valuable enough that you do care about what happens to them. They need to know that you will not keep score or throw things back at them once vulnerable. They need to know that being in a relationship doesn’t mean that they have to lose themselves, their hobbies or likes, or their independence. They may need concrete information about what YOU need from them in order for your relationship to work towards secure.

Fearful- Where do I start? This is like if Anxious and Dismissive had a really unhealthy baby. SO. MUCH. FEAR. (and so much hurt <3) As I said in the previous blog, fearfully attached just don’t- at least not for long. With dismissively attached people there IS attachment but it isn’t deep. Fearful either avoid relationships or run people off. They were deeply wounded at some point in their life. So much so that vulnerability feels life threatening. They want to be close so badly, but their intense fear creates almost compulsive distancing. They bond quick and fast but also breakup the same. They are too afraid to be vulnerable enough to get hurt in any way. *For my fearfully attached- hurt you are, how scared you are, and how much it’s getting in your way! I need you to know that you can heal. This attachment style gets a bad reputation because of how black/white it is.*

When Bonding :

Often they are grateful for the attention. Like anxious they are fiercely loyal, sometimes to their own detriment. However, they are also quick to write you off. You’ll hear things like “too much too fast” “jealous” and of behaviors sometimes as bad as going through phones (which anxious will do too) or stalking here from people who were driven off. Like anxious they will get upset/nervous if they aren’t texted right back, if it has been “too long” since an interaction, or if they feel slighted. These are the friends that drive you nuts analyzing text messages but THEN drive you nuts experiencing panic and even anger with a compulsive need to respond. They’ll respond in an angry, hateful paragraph and then have to tuck their tail and make up later. They’re often described as needy, emotional, or suffocating sometimes mean, angry, or “crazy” at their worst. When a fearful gets wounded- OH BOY! It can get extremely dramatic, dangerous, OR they’ll go the dismissive route and give you “the big door slam” (you don’t exist, you never did, you’re dead to me.) How they make up is deeply personal depending on their trauma and personal cocktail of “stuff”: some go anxious and chase, apologize, or placate. Others go dismissive and pretend it didn’t happen (but secretly hold a grudge/keep score) or move out.

An important point here: The responses are usually way disproportionate to the stimulus. If you’re wondering if you’re anxious or fearful- look at the balance of response to stimulus. For example, a fearful person has a mate who wants to go out with friends. They of course allow this so as to not make waves, but will text all night or wait by the phone.

There’s constant check ins. If they get too anxious, which usually happens, they’ll pick a fight via text or call which will ruin the night at best and lead to a breakup at worst.At their best they do quite well. Like the anxious, they are attentive and anticipate needs, kind, and recipients feel “lucky” when they’re at their best- because they are people pleasing.

When fighting:

When they feel like there is a rift they will panic-similar to the anxious, the response will be swift. However, it will also be excessively harsh. They cannot and will not calm down until repair has happened or the danger has subsided. Often, just to facilitate repair they will swallow feelings, apologize when it isn’t warranted or necessary, and take blame even when it doesn’t rest on them. Conversely, they may lash out severely to create distance, but accidentally create such distance that the relationship ends. (Think cornered animal.) This is troublesome because it leads to other problems like resentment and emotional blowups, harming others, ad beliefs that there is nobody safe or that relationships just don’t work.

When secure:

When they’re secure the drama decreases. They’ll still have their undertones, like anyone who has worked towards secure. They may have a more difficult and slower path to secure because of the drastic amount of “fight or flight” involved.

Common wounds:

Fearfully attached learned early, and repeatedly, that people are painful. They take advantage, they abuse, and they can’t be trusted. Not only that, but the fearful person feels that he/she is vulnerable and unable to protect themselves. Often there is abandonment, severe and repeated abuse, deep deep injury, and possibly an extreme trauma history. Sometimes, but rarely, I’ll see an extremely sensitive person who doesn’t have much of a trauma history but was deeply affected by a particular incident. Either way, they CAN move towards secure with some work.

Honestly, this particular style has a hard time healing within a relationship because their fear creates such trouble and does such damage. Usually I see them get healthier on their own and then move into a relationship with another.

The message they need is that you are a safe person. They are accepted as they are, they are safe to be vulnerable, they are capable in the world, and you are committed to them. However, for your own safety you must also set clear boundaries- “You may be hurt but you may not lash out or abuse me in turn. We can work this out if you are willing to trust me and calm down.”

It’s important to note that this is ONE ELEMENT in a specific to you mix of personal elements that create your relationship with the world around you. Attachment isn’t all of what is going on, but it’s a big part of it. Knowing your base attachment style is important in knowing yourself. I say base because these behaviors change over time, in context, and with injuries or healing. It’s so complicated!

*But if you know how to be aware and have the skills to self soothe you’ll be fine, whatever your style. AND because anything other than secure attachment is a SYMPTOM it is NOT permanent and can be healed with therapy and learning new ways to communicate.* < I really need you to absorb this part.

How is trauma involved in all of this? Attachment wounds ARE SYMPTOMS OF TRAUMA! Then, when you pile on top other types of trauma, we can get into a defensive cycle where we can’t give or receive love because it’s too scary. We also defend, react, and respond to those in our lives in unpredictable ways that hurt us AND them. It can be so frustrating.

While I work mostly with individuals, these things are important to know because this is how they affect our interactions with others, which can really do a number on things like if relationships last, self esteem, emotional reactivity, and more. The best part, I think, Is that you don’t have to do couple’s work to create change. When one half of a dynamic changes it will absolutely impact how things go.

As always, if you see yourself in these thoughts and feel like therapy may be helpful I am always here when you’re ready. Don’t forget that I have teletherapy in the state of Texas available! I’ll talk to you soon!

Trauma and Relationships OR The Art of Running Love Off

catherinemcounseling@gmail.com (Catherine Mcconnell) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 15:19:49 GMT

“She overreacts about everything.” “He’s there, but not emotionally. I feel a distance.” “She always hears me wrong.” “We love each other but we can’t make it work.” “She flies off the handle all the time.” “He’s always waiting for bad things to happen. He’s always waiting for me to leave” “I know I flip out on him but I can’t stop. It hurts me and it hurts him- it hurts our relationship.” THIS is what trauma sounds like in a relationship.

I hear it all the time. So often, and so the same, that I can create a menu of things to choose from. You wouldn’t even have to come up with how it is. I know this place. It’s sad, it’s frustrating, it hurts, and it keeps you from having the relationships you want, romantic or otherwise.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

There are two main ways that trauma can affect your relationships: 1) Who you attach to (addressed in this blog) and 2) how you fight (addressed in part two.)

Let’s start with attachment because it’s critical and it starts early. Without going into too much detail, your first attachments can even effect how your brain grows. That’s how critical this is. So, what is it and why does it matter?

Put simply, attachment is the way that we relate to others in how we view them. Are they reliable and safe? Can we trust them? Do we dare depend on them or do we keep them at a distance? Are we secure in unconditional love, or do we feel that love has to be earned and that if it isn’t they will leave us? THIS is attachment.

It starts with our earliest attachments- our parents. This is not to blame anyone and if you’ve grown up in a harsh environment it doesn’t mean that it can’t be unlearned without some help. Parents are humans and they have their own wounds, so let’s not focus on blaming mom and dad just yet. However, our first attachment is an important one. When we are born, we are mostly right hemisphere and attachment oriented parts of the brain- babies don’t reason, they simply get needs met.

They recognize caretakers, cry and notice who meets their needs, and grow from there. IF there is a secure attachment, when ready, the brain will secrete hormones that bring other parts of the brain online. If not, that process is delayed (yet again, biology is involved!) – I’ll add more on this on another blog. Bottom line: it’s an important phase.

We learn early whether or not we can count on people and if they are safe. I would like to make clear, however, that one can have a type of childhood and attachment and have something change this attachment type along the way (for better or worse), so it’s not completely set in stone. There are a lot of factors that play into this (parental style, interpersonal experiences, situational factors, traumas…) but for the sake of this blog I’m going to keep it relatively simple.

There are different attachment styles and they effect people in different ways.

First, we have secure attachment. This is rare, but not unheard of, in people with a traumatic history. I don’t often see this right off the bat unless they’ve already done some work or had at least one person in their life who modeled healthy attachment. This is the ultimate goal. People with secure attachment know how to trust. They know who is safe to bond with and they know how to repair disagreements successfully. They understand that love is not conditional and that, even if they’ve screwed up and created a rift, they are still cared for and it is repairable. Ideally they can “self soothe,” or manage their own emotions and generally act like mature humans most of the time.

Next, we have anxious ( preoccupied) attachment. I see this one much more often. In general, people with this attachment style are generally unable to manage their own anxieties without contact with their attachment figure. They’ll say things like “so and so is my rock. I couldn’t be without them.” Sometimes you’ll see this in codependent relationships, but not everyone who is anxiously attached is codependent. These are the very emotionally expressive people. They’re very reactive. They are the chasers- they’ll often tell you that the other person isn’t as intimate with them as they wish for them to be. If there’s a rift, they can’t focus until it is resolved. It can be likened to physical pain for them if they feel that someone is pulling away- it creates panic for them. It becomes a personal rejection instead of a temporary situation. In general, they’re not very secure in themselves or in the security of the relationship. They see themselves in relation to others. For them, love is conditional and they must always be vigilant to stay in good graces. Often described as anxious, dramatic or sensitive, reactive, or needy.

Then, there’s dismissive (avoidant). These people will tell you that they’re fine with and fine without a relationship. This is a pretty defensive type of attachment style. They value independence and ultimately fear enmeshment- the idea that a relationship will swallow you up. They view interdependence (me, you, us) in the same vein as codependence (we are one being in an unhealthy and dependent way). They often only allow themselves to bond superficially and if they feel that someone is too close they will engage in distancing behaviors such as picking fights, criticism, or sarcasm. They tend to bury or hide feelings and ultimately are trying to keep the possibility of rejection low. If one does not bond or value a person’s opinion, then when they reject you it won’t affect you. Often described as cold, emotionally distant, or sarcastic (or some other form of distancing behavior).

Finally, we have fearful (avoidant) attachment. These people desperately want close attachments but cannot allow themselves to bond out of fear. They differ from dismissive in that, dismissives WILL ultimately bond, but it’s superficial. Fearfully attached rarely even get that far. Often, their behaviors drive people off long before true bonding can take effect. They have poor self image and often view themselves as undeserving. They’re uncomfortable with emotional closeness (too dangerous) and ultimately display distancing behaviors or mixed messages. Often described as scared, reactive, confusing, and “thirsty” or desperate. Unfortunately, these people are easy picking for predators because of their extremely low self worth and hopes that someone will provide them value. Anxiously attached are of similar risk for this.

Let me make clear: secure is what we want. However, this doesn’t make any of the other attachment styles bad. At whatever point, that attachment style was functional for the situation- if a source isn’t secure, it’s not safe to treat them as such. So, hooray for adaptive behaviors! Just like with Post Traumatic Stress- dysfunctional attachment is a problem after the need to cope with it passes.

Generally, people favor one particular type. However, their partner’s attachment style can also change the interactions. A secure partner will be tired, but ultimately able to handle one of the other types (and even teach them how to be secure) with some work. The real hell is unleashed when two less functional types bond. As an example, it is common for an anxious and a dismissive to bond. VERY common. The anxious chases and shows the dismissive their worth, and the dismissive gives the anxious the need to feel needed and love them to health (rescuers fit here). It’s not functional, and it’s ultimately drama, but they don’t know they’re doing it. What is truly wonderful is when one of the other styles bonds with a secure and then learns to heal, hopefully not at the expense of harming the healthier party. I’ve seen all combinations. It’s really pretty fascinating.

Why does this matter? Because it plays a huge role in who you are attracted to and how it plays out. What is particularly painful is to watch the cycles: “Why are all the good men gone?” “Why am I always attracted to crazy dramatic women?” “Why is everyone so needy?”

AND it plays a huge role in how you engage in what we call “rift and repair”- or how you fight and make up. Arguments can damage or strengthen a relationship depending on how they are managed. Stay tuned for part two, where I’ll explain how trauma effects this aspect of a relationship….

For more on attachment styles and strategies, see the book “Attached” by Amir Levine, MD, and Rachel Heller, MA.

And if you’re tired of replaying the same cycles, give me a call! We can sort out what’s happening and fix it once and for all!

The Turk’s Cap and The Art of The Comeback

catherinemcounseling@gmail.com (Catherine Mcconnell) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 15:19:36 GMT

My favorite plant was stolen a few months ago. I was devastated. Over a plant. I know, I know, but you all know I’m odd- and sentimental. So, if you’ve seen the office garden out front that’s all me. I like to work with the Earth. They get a little overgrown but on weekends you’ll see me weeding, pruning, watering, tending. It grounds me. They’re all great plants but for some reason I really grew to love the Turk’s cap. It’s bushy, and it has these lovely broad leaves, the red flowers that give it the name, and they grow little apples if they’re happy enough. I like the plant. I have no explanation for you.

I came out one day from working late and saw that my beloved plant was the tops of a root of a bush and had been cut off at all of the branches!

I kid you not, I cried. Yeah. I cried. Some asshole stole my plant. I was confused and livid. Not angry- livid. I was ready to go to war. Who took my plant?! And why?! A baby turk’s cap is like ten bucks at Home Depot. Why on Earth would someone take the time to bring pruning shears and steal a ten dollar plant from the front of a building?! Why did you have to cut it?! At least uproot it so it has a chance! What the hell?! It was a very odd thing. Anyone who knows what they’re doing wouldn’t cut it like this. The whole plant. Just boom, gone.

The saddest part for me was that I knew that a plant cut like this would die. If you’re going to steal a plant, please take the taproot. Or at least cut it at an angle where rooting hormone can settle in. They took a life as far as I was concerned. They stole my friend!

The garden needed attention anyway so one night that week I tended to everything and tried to pull it up. I was planning to plant another. Mind you, not so long ago this lot was full of weeds. These plants are not old nor are they well established. Well, that’s when the chaos started. (Surprise! Chaos with me involved.)

My nephew was with me. The two of us took a large shovel and tried to dig it up. To our surprise there were several thick anchoring roots that burrowed down. We pushed. We pulled. We cussed. We tried to saw at the roots. We tried to bang at them with the shovel. We used our weight and pulled until we fell over. What was left of this plant was NOT moving. And so, we left it. The tiny ember of hope I had about it coming back glimmered and I said “Leave it. Let’s see what happens.” Honestly? I respected the damn plant. I saw myself there. “You will not move me unless I want to move. I will grow back stronger than ever.” Round one to the roots. Strong roots are EVERTHING.

I’m not quite sure when or how it happened, but it came back! One day I saw a leaf. I thought it was the dandelions I’m always begrudgingly uprooting. (A weed is just a flower out of place. And they’re good for the bees!) But I left it because I wasn’t sure. Then, a few more leaves. And now, we’ve got this GIANT, stunning, lush, bright red Turk’s Cap bush.

My healthy Turk’s cap is back and I couldn’t be happier! Y’all. I literally say good morning to this plant every day when I come in. Again, I have no explanation. We all have our quirks I guess.

My little Turk’s Cap made me think about how resilient it was. And then it had me thinking of all of you, all of us: little humans in big space on this floating rock just trying to make it all work.

Resiliency is a concept I have to go over a lot in my office. My traumatized often identify as “tough.” They are, but they’re also defensive. Fearful. They don’t feel very resilient. They don’t identify as such. When I bring this up they’ll identify as a survivor but they’re not so sure if they qualify as “resilient.” Honestly? In that defensive energy they’re not- NOT YET. Resiliency is the ability to snap back. If you’re angry, fearful, defensive, isolating, you haven’t moved through yet. That isn’t survivor energy. That’s still active fear.

It’s not abut surviving gracefully, prettily, or even quietly. If you’re alive then you did it right! Those deep roots on the Turk’s cap? That’s the tenacity, the foundation, the core of my clients. They are grasping to the Earth and won’t be moved. They may be afraid but they aren’t moving. I admire that and watching this process never gets old. I’m always impressed with the human ability to survive. Not everyone makes it, and I’ve had a couple of clients who unfortunately didn’t but most of them do.

*And it is one of the coolest things I’ve ever watched unfold!*

Clients come into my office as victims but identifying as survivors. They know they’re capable of it but boy do they hate it when I use the word “victim.” They look like they sucked on a lemon. They find the word deeply disgusting. It’s understandable but you can’t be a survivor without first being a victim. You also won’t heal if you don’t acknowledge that you have been wounded. But they have those deep roots, and they want to will the leaves to grow. They guilt, they shame, they cajole and tantrum their roots: “Grow damnit! This is taking too long! Grow.” Nothing grows without nurturing. Shame and guilt will do nothing but poison the roots.

My little plant taught me that sometimes all is not lost when we think it is. Patience is key- and sometimes we just need to go dormant, rest, and regroup. Then, we come back with a vengeance. Just like my beautiful Turk’s Cap. Human or not, nature always finds a way!

I'm Seeing Red: Why Not Every Therapist is a Trauma Therapist

Wed, 07 Feb 2018 18:07:14 GMT

Welp, I’m back! I got avoidant for a minute. Life got busy and I didn’t practice what I preach. I stared at the computer screen, I paced, I yowled “I don’t wanna” and I avoided. See. I get it. But now, I’m back. Those of you who know me know my writing works because I only write about things I’m passionate about. Well, this one’s gonna get a little ugly. So, ladies, hold on to your pearls, and I’m probably gonna cuss cause I’m pissed- so fair warning.

Ready? Here we go!

I’m noticing something in my practice lately: I get patients in severe pain and they’ve been in that place for at least a year. Many of them saw at least one therapist who “specializes in trauma” (more on that one in a minute) and didn’t get better. Several of them are misdiagnosed as Bipolar (the two look similar) or were NEVER screened for a trauma issue, even with a severe trauma history. In fact, several of them are worse: they’re convinced they’re incurable (as if they’re “sick” in the first place!), that this is just life now, and that they’re just destined to be one walking activated nerve ending for the rest of their lives.

The worst part? THIS ONE ISN’T ON THEM. This one is on the therapists. I’m calling us out and I’m talking to you about how to defend yourself against this bullshit. Because that’s what this is- complete and total, amoral, unthinking, bullshit.

Want to hear something scary? I belong to some therapist Facebook groups. (That’s not the scary part.) They’re great for placing referrals, networking, and general information. Here’s the scary part: there are entirely too many therapists who don’t know their own limitations. They post questions like “I’ve got someone with complex trauma. How should I help them?” Therapists, I’m talking to you: If this is your question, the only answer is REFER OUT. The one exception is if you’re training and under supervision, in which case you should be talking to your supervisor, not searching the internet. I’ve also seen “I had someone with trauma dissociate/have a bad reaction/freak out in session today and I didn’t know how to bring them down. How do I help them next time?” Again, refer out. KNOW YOUR LIMITS. This is not something to play with. You can get in deep and fast. You have a responsibility to know your lane and refer out. It’s not a personal failing. We can’t all specialize in everything. Just work on what you know, learn what you don’t under supervision, and refer out what you can’t or don’t want to handle.

To the clients: I’m writing this to empower you in defending yourself from this. It’s bullshit. It’s disrespectful. And it’s terrifying. How many people were harmed by inept therapists and then just gave up? I shudder at this thought. I get it. I’ve looked at the directories. MY eyes cross and I know what I’m looking for. And I’m not in crisis. So- how do you protect yourself? Ultimately, it’s on us- because a lot of the ways that you protect yourself are hard for people who have been traumatized for a lot of reasons. However, I still want to reiterate the ways you can protect yourself.

So, what's a person to do when they just want the pain to stop and they want good help?

Realize that a license does not ensure a good therapist.

Sad but true.In all honesty, I don’t like a lot of therapists. They annoy me for a lot of reasons. (I have some I know, adore, and trust. I refer to them a lot!) I think the thing that horrifies the most is how often I’m thinking “where in the hell did you get your license?” They’ll ask questions that I feel are basic or self explanatory.

This is coming off a bit holier-than-thou, but give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m pissed here. It’s bullshit that I’m having to unfuck what some inept therapist fucked up in the first place. We’re better than this. At least we should be. What we do is sacred, serious, demanding work. We don’t need MORE people making it that much harder for clients to trust us. We also don’t need clients who have to be in therapy longer because of extra foundation work. It’s terrifying walking through that door. It’s worse when you’ve done it before and gotten screwed.

ASK QUESTIONS.

This one is so important I’m going to say it a lot. Ask questions. Realize that you are interviewing us too. Don’t fall into the power dynamic of “they’re the expert. They must know what they’re doing.” Don’t be worried about being annoying, hurting someone’s feelings, etc. And this is a hard one for you- because people with trauma have been browbeaten into submission and not making waves. So, really, this one’s on us. However, I still want to encourage you to ask questions.

Ask about the “treatment plan.” A good therapist will have goals for therapy and a road map- and you should be involved in what those are. Ask HOW they treat trauma- there are specific ways to do it. They should be able to put it in language you understand. Ask what their average “treatment time” is and ask what the average number of sessions before a client shows relief. Many of us track this data and can tell you. I can tell you these things and so can my badass friends. Oh, and if they get defensive- LEAVE. There is zero reason that a therapist should get annoyed at you wanting to be informed about your own care.

EVERYONE “specializes in trauma.”

I hear practically every therapist say this. Except for my friends, because my friends are badasses who know their lane. We all SEE trauma. We don’t all SPECIALIZE. Have I seen depressed clients? Yes, but I don’t specialize in depression. Have I seen eating disorder clients? NO, BECAUSE ITS NOT MY LANE. < see what I did there? I refer out. Specialization is a term for hours of training in a specific area. So, if they say they “specialize in trauma.“ ASK THEM HOW. What certifications do they have? What kind of training did that take? What would you do if I had a bad reaction? How are you going to help me get control of this? NEVER BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS. YOU are in charge of your healthcare. (see? I’m gonna harp on this.)

Trust your gut.

Again, this is a hard one, because with trauma everyone tells you that your interpretation is wrong and you’re overreacting. Trust it. If you don’t like that therapist, you don’t have to have a reason, don’t schedule.

My one warning here is this: this mostly applies to when you’re meeting a potential therapist or in the first few sessions. Once you’ve built a relationship, feeling icky may be about something else. We can often trigger things- so if you’re already established, speak up about this before ghosting us. But if it’s a new therapist- you don’t have to have a reason. If you’re uncomfortable and your gut says no, then listen.

SPEAK UP

A tough one for traumatized individuals who constantly have boundary violations and have been ignored at outcries. (Are you seeing a pattern here?) if something feels off- speak up. If it’s been six months and you feel no change, speak up. Hell, if it’s been six weeks, speak up! Our relationship is based on information- WE WANT TO KNOW. If I’m pushing a client too far too fast, if I missed something, if they forgot to tell me something, if my clients don’t understand something, or if they’re feeling any kind of way, I need and want to know that

Remember that ultimately your care is in your hands.

If you want to do research and then talk to us about it, that’s okay. I’ve had clients come to me asking about PTSD and stating that other therapists never screened them for it. They came upon the diagnosis on their own. I’ve had clients who knew they weren’t getting better but felt like maybe they should wait just a little bit longer… I’ve had clients who stayed with a therapist because they “didn’t’ want to hurt their feelings.” I’ve had clients who went with the first therapist they met, not really realizing that a good fit is critical to good therapy work.

Okay, so we’ve covered you end, what about ours. How do you know a good trauma therapist from a not so good one?

There are a few things to watch out for:

What are they like in the pre-screen?

What I mean by pre-screen is the first phone call, where you call to schedule. YOU ARE SCREENING THE THERAPIST AS MUCH AS THEY ARE SCREENING YOU. Do they ask you what’s going on? Do they seem to get it? Do they empathize and make you feel like they really understand your pain? Do they rush you off of the phone, interrupt you, or go straight to price talk? Pay attention.

The initial visit is STILL screening.

Now that you’ve met them in person, do you “click?” If you’re flooded (really, really needing to talk) are they all business or do they let you speak? I work with severe trauma. Often, the first visit is nerve wracking and I need to make the client comfortable and let them be heard. It’s not that unusual, and I’m in no hurry- we can get to the history the next session. If , for ANY reason, you don't like or feel comfortable with your therapist, move on.

Do they pick up on your cues?

Do they seem to pick up on when things are too hard to talk about or do they push you too hard too fast? Are you sitting there feeling understood, or are you struggling to explain yourself?

Do they go into the trauma too fast?

This is a telltale sign that I've heard about more than once. When working with trauma, it is RARE to go straight into it. More often than not, the client needs some work before we go there. If they don't try to teach you techniques to handle the big emotions BEFORE going into the big stuff that's a hard NO. Get out and find someone who understands that this is tough, that you need help knowing how to handle what comes up bfore digging, and notices your behavioral/emotional cues.

*Again, the one exception to this is when taking a history. We need to know what has happened, but a good trauma therapist will walk you through how to summarize and speak about it briefly and not trigger yourself.

What trauma-specific training do they have?

You aren’t expected to know the ins and outs of trauma therapy, but ask if they have TRAUMA SPECIFIC training. That’s a simple yes or no. We all see trauma, but that doesn’t mean that we’re all highly trained. Trauma is a special topic and isn’t hobby-work. All I mean is that the reactions that can come from trauma work are specific, messy, and can get hairy fast. If you don’t know how to deal with that, it can do more harm than good.

You can also ask “If I had a bad reaction, how would you help me out of that?” They should have an answer. In fact, they should have several answers.

This post isn’t meant to scare you. It’s meant to inform and empower you. YOU are always in charge of your care and it’s important that you remember that. It’s easy to fall into a dynamic where you feel that the therapist is the expert and if you just hold on long enough maybe you’ll feel some change.

I will say this: we can only help you if you talk to us. We have big shoulders- at least if we’re good we do! If you tell us you don’t feel a change we will/should discuss it with you. Sometimes it’s as easy as managing expectations. Other times, it means we need a different approach. It may even mean a referral to a specialist- and a good therapist won’t have a problem with that and will even offer names of people they trust! Whatever you’re going through, you shouldn’t be “suffering through” therapy too! Therapy is hard enough without being lost about what you’re doing. Again, speak up. Be your own advocate. We’re here when you’re ready.